1. My boyfriend’s best friend is driving me batty. My boyfriend and I live together and have for about 6 months. Recently - maybe a month ago - his best friend, let’s call him Kyle, started hanging out more and more. Every time I turn around it seems like Kyle is here. He used to knock but now he just walks right in. He stays so late he just crashes on the couch 3 or 4 nights a week, he eats our food, he even hangs out when my boyfriend isn’t home. He’s nice enough but it’s just too much. I don’t want a roommate, and I really would like some privacy, but I also don’t want to hurt my boyfriend’s feelings or make it seem like he has to choose between his friends and me. My boyfriend seems so happy to have him around, I feel like a nag because I think he’s way over-stayed his welcome. Am I being an asshole because I just want his friend to go home?! How should I handle this?
Niall: I really don’t think you’re being unreasonable here. Having someone be around too much can be a pain even when you actually live together, let alone when this isn’t even their home. You definitely need to talk to your boyfriend, and the sooner the better: it’ll be easier behavior to stop before it becomes a pattern. Let him know your concerns, but maybe first ask and make sure there isn’t some underlying reason why, suddenly, this guy is apparently living at your place. Not that you have to accept him if there is, just it seems possible something else might be going on. It is MORE than reasonable to have your home, and your space, to yourself. Especially when your boyfriend isn’t there. Communication is key. Go communicate.
Dain: Niall has hit it on the head for this one. Boundaries are super important in relationships and it’s not just the ones you set up with your partner, but also those who are in the peripheral of your life as well, such as friends. As someone who really values my time alone, I completely understand why having someone in your space would be troublesome. Express your concerns calmly and try not to turn this into an argument and make sure you don’t try to sugarcoat the issue by making up excuses why you don’t want your friend to be around all the time. In situations like these, we often try to soften the blow by obfuscating the true reason we’re upset as to not upset our partner, but you really do need to be clear and specific with what’s bothering you, so that the issue can be resolved entirely.
2. My girlfriend and I recently had a threesome with a friend of hers. We talked about it a bunch before it happened and it all went really well at the time. It was hot AF and everyone had fun. Now, though, my girlfriend and her friend talk all the time, lots of flirty texts, stuff like that. I wasn’t jealous before, but now I feel really left out and I’m starting to regret what we did. How do I keep from losing my girl to her friend?
Dain: Threesomes require an incredible amount of trust and communication to be enjoyable and non-harmful to a relationship. It’s great that you had the foresight to really talk it out beforehand, however, the communication shouldn’t stop once the deed is done. In situations such as this, or any time you introduce a new facet to a relationship, regardless of whether it’s a one-time thing or not, you should always take a moment to debrief with your partner(s) to make sure you’re still on the same page. It would seem like you may need to do this with your girlfriend. Have an open and honest conversation about the boundaries you’d like to set on engaging with partners that you’ve had threesomes with as she may now think the floodgates are open for this particular person since you’ve had sex with them. Your relationship may need redefining if you intend to remain monogamous, your girlfriend may think that the threesome was the first step into polyamory with the addition of your third.
Niall: 100%. Threesomes shouldn’t be undertaken without boundaries and communication, but that process doesn’t end with the act itself; people’s feelings and actions after the fact are definitely as important as before and during. It sounds like you guys are good at communicating, so keep that trend going! Let them know you’re feeling insecure and jealous (in a non-combative manner) and hopefully they’ll understand your point of view. They’re not necessarily doing anything wrong, too. They’re friends, so them talking to each other isn’t very strange. Re-establish boundaries and let them know what you’re feeling. good luck!
3. My husband has gotten so lazy in bed. We’ve been married for 8 years. We used to have creative, wild sex all the time, and I know things change over the years, but in the past year or so he went from being a real sexual athlete to just, well… laying there and letting me do all the work. The thing that gets me, though, is he masturbates ALL the time. So I know he’s feeling it, but it’s like he’s leaving it all in practice and not saving anything for the big game. I’ve tried spicing things up by wearing sexy outfits and bringing fun toys and all that to bed. I’ve also tried talking to him about it but I don’t think he gets it, or maybe he doesn’t care. He says he’s not, but honestly, he seems bored by the whole sex thing. I’m worried his mind is somewhere else. What should I do? Do you think he’s cheating on me? Is there something else I can try?
Niall: I think it’s a stretch to jump straight to thinking he’s cheating on you. There’s probably something up, but nothing I’ve read would lead me instantly there. The thing about masturbation is that it’s easy; what you want, when you want it, with no pressure. If something is awry for him with your sex life, it might make sense for him to seek refuge there. You ask what else you can do, but what I think needs to happen is something you’ve already done. Communicate. You say you’ve talked, yet then you say ‘I don’t think he gets it, or maybe he doesn’t care... If you don’t know the answers to these questions, you probably haven’t fully communicated. Let him know how upset you are, how worried. Detail the things he is, or isn’t, doing, and work it out. Don’t leave the conversation half said. You’ve been married for eight years, you should be able to talk honestly and frankly about this.
Dain: An important thing to understand is someone’s desire to masturbate is not a reflection of their sexual appetite. As Niall mentioned, masturbation is a much more personal act and can have more to do with stress relief and self-care than actual sexual release. I also agree with Niall that you shouldn’t jump to the assumption that he’s cheating. The past two years have been incredibly challenging for a lot of us and we’ve all dealt with it in different ways. Have you both been working from home during the pandemic? Perhaps increased time together has put a little strain on your relationship as it has many other people. It’s time to put your cards on the table and lay it all out. Again, as Niall said, you need to have this conversation to its completion. Don’t focus exclusively on sex, check in with your husband to gauge where he’s at in terms of his mental health as well. There are far more factors in a lowered sex drive than simply cheating and offering a supportive and loving ear could make all the difference.
4. I started seeing this woman about a month ago. She’s amazing. Sexy, funny, smart, interesting. I really like her and the sex is great. Usually, we sleep at my house, but last week we slept at hers. Everything was fine until we started hooking up. See, the thing is, she has this cat. This cat is super attached to her. She talks baby talk to it, let’s it eat off her plate, and has little beds and scratch posts and toys for it EVERYWHERE. Fine, normal cat person stuff, right? Above all, she lets it be anywhere it wants, which is usually as close to her as it can be. It sat on her shoulder in between us and tried to eat her popcorn while we watched a movie. Super weird, right? But honestly, the worst part is the whole time we were having sex, the cat kept trying to like get in between us and like rub up on our ankles and elbows and shit. And she didn’t seem to care at all!! It totally creeped me out and she seemed completely okay with it. I kept trying to move the cat or shoo it away or something but it kept coming back and getting right up in our business. How do I tell this woman that I’m creeped out by her whole situation with her cat? Am I shallow if I end it with an amazing woman over something like this?
Dain: As the resident Cat Guy™ of our duo, I can say… this isn’t that weird. People usually form strong bonds with their pets and there’s little we can do about their personalities or behavior, especially cats. They’re going to do whatever they’re going to do and we just learn to love the little weirdos. This doesn’t seem weird to her because she’s lived with this obsessive furball for as long as she’s had it. The pandemic has also resulted in us spending a lot more time at our homes and with our pets. I know more than one person whose pets have gotten extra attached to them during all this. I know this all may seem very strange if you don’t own a pet yourself, but, I assure you, pretty much anyone who’s got themself a fuzzy companion will dote on them whenever they can. That doesn’t mean you have to be uncomfortable during intimate moments. Asking your new partner if you could close the door while you’re getting down and dirty because having a cat rubbing on you during sex makes you uncomfortable isn’t an unreasonable request. I’d have this conversation first before making any hasty decisions about bailing on someone you clearly like.
Niall: As Dain said: a lot of people love their pets and dote on them. This isn’t exactly weird. On the other hand, asking someone to keep their pet out of the room while you’re getting down isn’t unreasonable! Ask and see how it goes. If they refuse, sure, maybe this isn’t the cat lady for you. Otherwise, can you overlook the rest? If not, it doesn’t matter if you’re being ‘shallow’ or whatever, you guys just might not be compatible. One thing to keep in mind is that the cat is far more important than you, especially in the early days (/months). If you try for it or my situation, you’re not going to win. That’s all to say by all means ask for some reasonable concessions (no cats in the bed while dirty things are happening) but otherwise, you have to either be okay with their relationship, or find someone who doesn’t have a pet!
"Niall and Dain are sexperts that focus on fun, sex positive advice in an effort to assist in navigating through any and all modern sex and dating quandaries. Catch more advice on their weekly show, Fuck Buddies, available on all streaming platforms. Visit www.fbuddiespodcast.com to listen!"
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