We are old and I want to have sex in my marriage, but my wife doesn't want to

Michael Charming, Orgasm and Relationship Coach is answering questions that Tickle.Life received through various mediums.

Question

Myself 58 years of age and My wife 52

Married for 30 years

We both enjoy sex a lot when we do it but my wife says no most of the times now as we are ageing 

We both are generally keeping good health 

I admit myself to be less romantic but ready for sex.

No outside relationship and we are true to each other

What to do 

Answer

Hi, thank you for the question. It is not so abnormal for couples to have little or no sexual intimacy after a certain age especially for women which could be due to combination of factors. Have you had a very open conversation to understand the reasons why your wife says no and what you can do to have her feel supported? Has she not been getting what she desired most of the time (i.e. not feeling nourished)? 

I always ask clients to look at human body in five different layers, which I mention below, as I believe we as human are more than just the physical body that we see in front of us. In my book, Amplify Your Orgasm, I share in detail how each of these bodies are connected with sexuality and orgasm:

Physical body:

You mentioned that you both are keeping good health but has she been taking any prescription drugs or took in the past that could have an impact. The changes in hormones have a big impact on desire / libido for sex. How does she feel generally in life in other aspects? Are there any other medical conditions that could be affecting the way she feels generally? Any discomfort or pain she experienced in the past which could reduce the desire for sex. I see that you have mentioned you both enjoy sex but it will be good to reflect on this as women generally have the habit of obliging or not saying it unless it really gets to that point when its unbearable or really uncomfortable. 

Mental body:

It will be good to inquire what is her attitude about sex and physical intimacy at the moment and how was it in the past when you both really had good amount of sex. Drawing comparisons between then and now and identifying the places when it begins to shift can provide good insight on when things begin to shift (in terms of attitude, beliefs etc). Perhaps the stress of life, anxiety, mental pressure, feeling one partner being selfish in sex, etc could be some of the thoughts that crop due to the experiences being experienced during that time. If these are not dealt with appropriately, then these will continue to seep in the subconscious mind and create impact. So, healthy, open discussion around these is suggested. Come with open mind, curiosity and explore together the journey travelled and then see what comes up next as result of this discovery.

Emotional body:

Given that you have been married for 30 years, so I assume that you both are actually good at relating at emotional level. But still will mention that for women, they feel turned on/arousal less at physical level first but more at emotional level. So, we as men need to connect with them emotionally, even though, for us, to connect emotionally we need to have physically intimacy first. So, its like carrot and stick game between male and female given the way our bodies work. The fact that you are less romantic and ready for sex, actually does gives me an indication that from sexual perspective, there could be places/times, when she would just want to connect with you emotionally without wanting to connect physically or have sex. How has kind of relating been in the past and if so, how many times as % you felt the need to connect physically and have sex whilst all she wanted was emotional connection?

I would suggest to have an open discussion around this where you get to hear her emotionally, without taking it personally. There could be some unwanted emotions stored (anger, hurt, resentment etc) which would need to be expressed so ensure that enough safe space is created for that expression to happen without feeling the need to defend yourself. 

And in future, aim to connect with her emotionally and I would recommend deep breathing (slow and deep breaths to deal with your sexual energy) when you do that so that you don’t feel restless or agitated at your desire of wanting to have sex. 

Energetic body

How do both of you feel at energy levels? It is normal that there will many times when both of you don’t have same level of energy or one has more fatigue than the other, which could affect the desire for physical intimacy.

Besides staying healthy, do both of you engage in some exercise – yoga, partner yoga, that not only moves the energy in the body but also helps to create the attraction of masculine and feminine between each of you? 

At night, do you sleep on the same bed and if so, how often? 

For us to feel attraction at energy level, we need to have polarity (its like +ve and -ve current running in our body) so we need to work on ourselves to not only activate those energies but also create this energy dynamics. Please note that from energy perspective everything works in subtlety as we can’t see energy but feel it. Its like the light bulb. When we press the button, the light turns on. Activating these energies works in similar fashion. I would suggest that both of you engage in some good yoga poses, mantra that activate the 2^nd energy center (chakra).

Spiritual body 

Whilst this is connected with spirituality and overall life purpose, but it this body that also encompasses our desires and our fears. 

Are you familiar with the concept of desires? There is a piece I wrote about desire so would recommend you to look at that.

For this body to feel nourished, I would invite you both to have an open conversation relating to each other sexual desires and fears that both of you might be feeling. 

It could be possible that she might be feeling fear relating to sexual connection (perhaps you being coming too strong at her or not slowing down when she wanted or finishing early etc).

How does she feel her sexual desire? Romance is one of the ways through which we can invoke that desire in her but since you feel less romantic, it doesn’t invoke that desire in her. Have you always been less romantic or has this been recently? If latter, then what changed?

Desires can also be invoked by having her feel relaxed, being present in the moment and away from any distraction, looking into eyes of each other and creating intimacy, caressing the hair or arms at the right time etc.

Conclusion

I would suggest to explore on each of these one by one, perhaps in different sessions, rather than all in one go. Enjoy this phase of exploration and consider this to be part of both of your sexual journey. Just like to reach to the peak of the hill, we go through the trail, discovering, enjoying or not enjoying the path, resting at times, and then getting up again moving forward until we reach the peak. Conversation around these topics if done in correct way, will feel like that. Try not to reach towards the goal of finding the solution but being with what comes up. Allow yourself to ponder, reflect and then share experiences of these conversations with each other.

I would love to hear what do you think of these and what impact did this created.

If any questions, feel free to reach out to me or comment below. 

Experiencing pleasure from sex is one thing, but experiencing nourishment is another.