A story about a man's journey of self-discovery and sexual awakening after having grown up in a conservative household.
I am 22 and from a Catholic family. My parents are quite strict; so much so that I can’t use my cell phone after 7:00 PM. Naturally, it's no surprise that they consider it a sin to have sex before marriage. I grew up believing I would be deemed a virgin for as long as my parents were around. You might think, "What a sad life she leads." I was equally frustrated with my life. I therefore looked forward to moving to Canada for my Master's in Business Studies. It was a triumph after a 10-year long battle with my family to let me pursue my higher education outside our hometown. Out of the country seemed impossible but, by God’s grace, it happened and I was so grateful.
Finally, the day came when I had to leave for college and I was excited beyond words. I felt like I was getting out of jail after serving time for a crime I hadn't committed. When I was at the airport, I saw a beautiful girl with a gorgeous smile. As luck would have it, she was on the same flight as me. My happiness knew no bounds and I couldn’t stop thinking to myself that it had only been a little while since I had left my house and good things had started happening to me already. I took it as a good omen and it filled me up with a lot of positivity. I met the girl on the plane and we started talking. Although I was nervous and shaky, I managed to strike a conversation with her and discovered that we would be living in the same neighborhood. How much more exciting could it get?! But that excitement died over the course of time.
The first two years I spent in Canada had been great fun. I shared a room with Jack, who was bisexual. We would often sit in the dorm chilling together and playing games on our phones. My roomie looks absolutely desirable with his abs, lean body and blue eyes. I often found myself staring at him. It made both of us a little uncomfortable and I would tell myself, “Dude you need to stop”.
I did not consider myself gay or bi. I thought I was straight as the first time I had sex, it was with a woman, and I loved it. But then I wanted explore my sexuality also, getting into relationships with women seemed natural because that’s the only kind of relationship I knew before coming to Canada. I was conditioned to think that a man was supposed to love a woman and a woman was supposed to love a man. Further, the fact that I didn't have a girlfriend earlier deprived me of the opportunity to explore even heterosexual relationships.
It was soon the last day of the term. I was excited about going home, but my mind flashed before me all the amazing moments I had experienced in the last 3 years I had spent in my room. On that day, when I entered my room and saw Jack sitting there, it struck a chord deep inside me. I felt like I was about to leave a part of me behind. My heart was heavy and I felt inexplicably low. Seeing me numb and motionless, Jack walked up to me and held my hand. He said, “I will miss you pal. You know, you are the best thing that happened to me.” His heavenly blue eyes pierced mine. In that instant, I don’t know what happened to me and I pulled him closer. I kissed him passionately while holding him flush against me. Tears streamed down my eyes. Jack held my face in his hands and said, “It's okay Paul. You know, I always wanted to do this. I am so glad you initiated it.”
I suddenly realized that I hadn’t initiated anything deliberately. I instantaneously cut him short to say, “I don’t know what happened. I have never done this before, nevertheless it felt just right at the moment.” He consoled me, saying,”It’s okay Paul.” But I ran away as fast as I could. It was a usual Vancouver evening with surreal hues in the sky. I had a rush of emotions within me, some of them contradictory. I felt a lot of excitement, but I also felt the saddest I had been in a long time. The nervousness inside was killing me. But nothing could stop me.
Jack, being Jack, followed me all the way and said, “Paul, you don’t have to run away. It’s okay, we can try this. We can go ahead and see if it works out for us because I really like you, Paul. After sharing our deepest thoughts with each other every day for almost three years, you finally did the thing I always wanted to do, but couldn’t.” I said, “But Jack, I am not sure about this. Besides, you are my best friend.” To this Jack jokingly replied, “Best friends make the best life partners.” That made me smile.
As we walked back towards the dorm, my heart was beating like it would explode. But when I looked at Jack, the world stood absolutely still for me. I could not see anyone or anything but him. It was as if time had completely stopped moving. The silence was deafening, but it felt like nothing would matter as long as I was with Jack for the rest of my life. Finally, we reached our room and our eyes met and no matter how hard we tried, we couldn’t help but smile at each other.
We switched on a movie and as it played, Jack laid his head on my arm and it felt really nice, something unlike ever before. I ran my hand through his hair and leaned in to whisper in his ear, ”Let’s make love.” He instantly responded by kissing me, and we knew, we were made for each other. I stared at him unbelievably. It was the best feeling in the whole world. We took each other’s clothes off and drifted away as in our passion. He tasted like heaven, as heavenly as the blues eyes I fell for!
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