His First Threesome (II)

Communication is the key

Talking about what you are going to do, and assessing everyone’s expectations and comfort levels, is great practice for the level of communication needed during the actual event. It’s like a dry run. Once you’ve said out loud exactly what you want, with your clothes on, those words will be more accessible to you when you have your clothes off. In a more heated moment, you will know the words, and so will the other two people - you won’t have to go into a lot of detail, because they already know.

When you say what you want, you’re more likely to get what you want and less likely to get what you don’t want.

Curiosity and lots of questions get everyone comfortable talking explicitly. What are the specific activities people are imagining? What activities do people like? How do they like them? What things are off the table? Talk about what will happen if someone gets uncomfortable or wants to stop (tip: stop). 

“If you’re like most of us, your mama didn’t teach you that threesomes were wholesome.” 
― Victoria Vantoch, The Threesome Handbook: Make the Most of Your Favorite Fantasy - the Ultimate Guide for Tri-Curious Singles and Couples

Here’s an idea: go to GraphicSexProject.com and have everyone make a graph of what they imagine happening, then compare the graphs. Talk about what’s the same and what’s different between all the graphs. 

During this phase, everyone is enthusiastic, ideally. If anyone isn’t, then they don’t want to do it. If at this point in the story, roommate started expressing some doubts, FB and 40MScis would have to contain their enthusiasm to avoid applying pressure (Read the previous article here) Everyone needs to be 100% on-board and excited. Talking someone into doing something they aren’t sure about pretty much never works out.

“Have you ever tried to organise a threesome in real life?' I shook my head. I'd only encountered them in porn, but it seemed to happen without much admin, the same way all porn skipped out the granular details of sex, like condoms and kissing, that were supposed to happen in real life.” 
― Olivia Sudjic, Sympathy

The next phase in 40MScis’ graph is (green) drink and smoke pot. A lot of people use alcohol to relax. In a relatively high number of the graphs I get, people include alcohol. Think about that: only 10 colours to describe all the things that happen in a sexual experience, and people use one of them to stand for something that suppresses one’s ability to feel. Well, that's the culture we live in.

Then the sex begins. Notice how comparatively little time is spent on sex versus the amount of time building up to it? Notice too that there is a lot more time spent kissing than there is time spent on other activities involving genital contact. 

“The more I thought about it, the more I began to grasp the fact that I was being offered a life changing opportunity. A chance to experience something which few people ever even thought about let alone embraced.
‘It will be an adventure,’ she said calmly. ‘For all of us.” 
― Michael Bayswater, The Adventures of Michael Bayswater.

This is really common across all the graphs I get, from all kinds of people -- people describe the build-up to sex in more detail and encompassing more time, compared to the detail and time described for the actual sex part. We spend more time trying to get sex, and thinking about sex than we spend having sex.  People put a lot of value on the time spent with the person that they are about to have sex with.

There’s not much detail to the sex in this graph: there’s oral, there’s fingering, there’s PIV, but other than that we don’t get much insight into what actually happened and we’ll have to add a good dose of imagination to this story.

Sex with more than two people has a very different flow than sex with two. People tend to block out a good chunk of time for the experience for one thing, and it’s often less goal-oriented. Sex with 2 people can be like climbing a single mountain together, whereas a threesome maybe more like a long trail full of peaks and valleys. Enjoy the views, swim in the rivers, smell the flowers. There’s less concern with getting to the top. 

This idea of the different rhythms and flows of a sexual story is really intriguing to me, and I’ll have more to say about that in another post. 

Now we come to the end of 40MScis’ graph, and I have a lot of questions. Are you curious why the fuck buddy just disappears - no post threesome talk session with everyone? Threesomes can be emotionally tricky, and it’s important to have a debriefing to make sure everyone has the opportunity to express and process their feelings. If anyone feels bad about anything, they should get a chance to talk it out and be supported. It’s a good aftercare etiquette.

But there is that kissing and talking between 40MScis and his roommate, which makes me wonder - what was their relationship before? Did they already have a sexual relationship? Do they now? Were there unexplored romantic feelings? Will continuing as roommates be awkward? How did it turn out? I wish I knew! But that is all this graph has to say.