Person A [a stranger at the emergency room, with a cellular phone inside his anus]: I was about to take a shower
Pleasing it the other way round.
Two Very Different People …
Person A [a stranger at the emergency room, with a cellular phone inside his anus]: I was about to take a shower, tripped over the dog, stepped on the soap, slipped and fell on my cell phone, and it went all the way up me. Wow, what are the odds of that happening, huh?
[... to which candid emergency room staff could have replied: Zero, since it’s patently obvious you shoved it up yourself, and are lying about it. No worries; we see this sort of event very often, involving the strangest objects: hammer handles, detergent bottles, screwdrivers and in one case a live artillery shell that required the entire wing of the hospital to be evacuated until the bomb squad had defused the device.
So, your phone is hardly newsworthy though we did find it mildly interesting that your phone rang while it was inside you, and it is the clam-shell type, and you inserted it such that when it opened inside you, it made it even harder to get out. We hope that this was a good use of several thousand dollars of your money, and that your conversational creativity will continue when you explain this item on your credit card statement.]
Person B [me, writing this article]: If you’re going to masturbate anally, with a phone, I recommend the Nokia old candy-bar style phones that were popular about twelve years ago. But, I also recommend wrapping some layers of packing tape around it to make sure it doesn’t open when it’s inside you, as happened to person A, above. And then as with all anal sex toys except glass, I’d also recommend putting it inside a condom and knotting the condom so that it’s a nice, clean seal. Before putting the condom on, I’d also recommend to, on one side, shape some tissue paper in the shape of a cone to make it easier to insert. Even so, use vast amounts of water-based lube, and put a plastic shower curtain on a towel on your bed so as to keep things contained.
Regardless, that's too large an object to start with so begin your session with something much smaller and then after half an hour or an hour you might be relaxed enough to insert the phone. Go slow, bear down and enjoy it.
A friend of mine masturbated her iPhone to death but I can't imagine your phone being damaged with the methodical approach I described.
To maximize your enjoyment I suggest planning to be uninterrupted but to be able to turn interruptions away if they do happen, and to take your time. And yes, you can call yourself from another phone with the inserted phone on “vibrate” and you can indeed feel it.
If the phone slips inside you, don't do anything rash. Without you doing anything, your body will expel it naturally though it might take as long as six hours. You can speed up the process by lying in your bathtub with one knee pressed to your chest and the other leg straight. Take along some books, and put several soft towels down in the bathtub first; there's no need to be miserable while you're lying there.
I suggest you use your phone only as an interesting experiment and not because it’s all that’s available. I recommend you stock up on some nice sex toys, including a soft jelly dildo.
It’s fine to enjoy them with your sex partner or solo. I don’t have a romantic partner living with me right now, but at the time I would announce when I felt like enjoying a solo session. Early on, when I did so, my lovely romantic partner said that it made her feel inadequate so we had an open conversation about it, and then she understood me better, including that sometimes I enjoy masturbating alone and that it’s no reflection on her, as in: there’s nothing she could do to be more sexually interesting so that I don’t feel that need sometimes.
Hello! I’m Tanya Charbury. On some subjects, I write better when I’m sexually aroused, so I’m writing today’s article in the nude, with a 12” double-sided dildo all the way inside me. I’ve masturbated with that sex toy over the last 45 minutes, and I’ve probably orgasmed 30 times. It took self-control to stop, go stand in front of my computer, and write this article.
Analyzing The Differences
What’s the difference here? One big difference is that person A approaches the subject with deep shame. He probably chose the phone for lack of a better available `option. He didn’t plan it out. Even when it was obvious that he’d done this, he came up with an elaborate lie – anything to be able to avoid admitting: “yes, I enjoy anal pleasure.”
By contrast, person B (me) grew up with a father who had two engineering degrees and taught me to view me body as a mechanism to be understood, valued, maintained and enjoyed. That included me pursuing anal pleasure solo, as part of being a teenager.
I did classic nerdy-girl things, like immersing herself in music, which included playing the piano and guitar, reading vast amounts of books (ranging from steamy adult stuff to silly comics to encyclopedias), knitting, sewing, crotcheting, writing prose and poetry, and making candles – not just for aesthetic purposes.
I learned what felt good, and I optimized it over the years. The only way that anal pleasure was dirty was in a literal, practical sense … not an ethical one. Ethically, the process of experiencing pleasure is as harmless and positive a human activity as I can imagine.
Over time, I learned of doctrines that exercise control via guilt, including guilt as to pleasure in general, as to sexual pleasure especially, as to solo sexual pleasure even more, and as to anal solo sexual pleasure most of all.
I studied philosophy so as to understand my ideological adversaries in this field, and life in general.
My future articles are likely to focus more on practical issues, but I write from the relatively rare perspective of someone who’s logically and radiantly joyous about sexual pleasure. I hope you will enjoy my articles and feel inspired by my example.
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