I was reading a problem page the other day; the “Letter Writer” was a male whose ‘problem’ was that his female partner wanted him to watch porn with her and this was making him feel uncomfortable.
The “Agony Aunt” was very comprehensive with her advice. One reason she suspected for his discomfort was that, like many men, his porn habit was one in which he preferred to indulge alone. It is commonly thought that men prefer visual stimulation in contrast to women who supposedly enjoy erotic stimulation via other senses.
Currently, ethical porn is on the rise, being made for women and couples to enjoy. Both the quality and quantity of visual stimulation targeted at women are increasing. It has surfaced that plenty of women prefer watching MM porn as it is erotic but is less ‘threatening’ than other gender combinations.
The “Agony Aunt” suggested that the “Letter Writer’s” female partner might have entered peri-menopause and was consequently experiencing a spike in libido. She gently advised Letter-writer to embrace this phase, recommending that, if watching porn made him uncomfortable he could instead purchase some adult toys/accessories and lots of lube to help increase the sexual variety of their encounters. She also suggested reading erotic stories to each other.
[Perimenopause, or menopause transition, begins several years before menopause. It's the time when the ovaries gradually begin to make less estrogen. It usually starts in a woman's 40s but can start in her 30s or even earlier. Perimenopause lasts up until menopause when the ovaries stop releasing eggs.]
My reason for relating this columnist’s advice is that it struck a chord with me. It made me wonder if my peri-menopause was the trigger that had set me on the “Sex Blogging” path which I am currently traversing. If you’ve got time to read on, I will elucidate. (Read about menopause and sex life from here!)
When I was the mother of small children my sexual appetite was low, with intimacy relegated to the back burner. I was constantly tired, putting my offspring’s needs before mine and I neither dressed nor felt, like a sexual being.
As my children grew up, depending on me less, the biggest block to sex with my partner was fear of interruption. I can manage to be fairly quiet in the throes of passion, but we were both anxious about being caught in flagrante (thus scaring the children for life). I was more likely to treat him to a wank, or a blow job, with one eye on the door, than for us to engage in full-on coupling. The less I had orgasms, the more my body forgot how good it could feel. I did not crave sexual fulfilment or carve out opportunities for my own climax.
Once our children were older, I returned to work. My confidence gradually increased. I was learning new skills and embracing additional responsibilities. I was also in a mixed-gender company, which resulted in flirty banter, colleagues peacocked and found I cared again about how I presented myself. I had not realized the extent to which being primarily thought of as “XX’s Mum,” and mostly interacting with people from the playground, had suppressed facets of my personality.
We still had a problem with sex at home, because our kids stayed up late than us! Noisy sex at bedtime was ruled out. We feared being overheard by teens who came alive at night, applying themselves to homework or using social media ‘til late.
However, being teenagers meant they had their own lives to live, going out some evenings, sometimes staying at the houses of friends. My partner and I began to claw back some time/privacy for ourselves, starting with more “date nights.”
Once our kids became students, living away at university we could be much freer. With increased privacy and a more open agenda, my libido blossomed again. Looking back, this coincided with the start of my perimenopause.
A friend recommended an online site for reading free erotica and I regularly devoured sexy stories, which fed new ideas into my intimate encounters. My fella often encouraged me to describe my fantasies, I soon realized these could be made into short story plots. Having read the site’s criteria for writing erotica and publishing it, I tried, and the feedback I got was very positive. It was a buzz knowing people anywhere in the world were reading my words and getting off to them.
Soon writing for Literotica wasn’t enough, I wanted to present my stories in an environment that I controlled. I created my own blog and began to build a following. As I worked to encourage traffic to my site, I visited blogs on a similar theme. The revealed kinks that I’d never known existed - some I identified with, and others made me curious to try them on for size.
I discovered bloggers who reviewed sex toys and read with fascination. Gadgets existed on the market that I had never imagined. My faithful, hard plastic, battery vibrator now seemed boring and was exposed as not being body-safe. I was excited to buy and try it. I wanted one with a bend to reach my g-spot, a plug to experiment with anal play and another to focus on my clitoris.
Luckily my husband was supportive of these explorations. In all honesty, he was delighted to have our intimacy back, with a bang he hadn’t bargained for! He became a regular visitor to my blog. Our lovemaking improved in all directions, not least because he gained insight into my desires and attitudes toward various sex acts. I imagine I’m not the only one who finds it hard to ask for what I want in bed, especially the more outlandish ideas, so you can see how my stories helped!
Since 2016 my blog has grown, as has my following since utilizing Twitter to publicize and socialize. Going self-hosted with my blog and becoming a regular contributor to other platforms populated with adult material are recent developments, I have discovered strengths and weaknesses so now I have plans to develop things further.
I began to specialize in crafting erotic fiction for older women to enjoy sex. Waving the flag for menopausal women, I wanted to illustrate emphatically that we are still motivated by our libido, for some of us it’s heightened. I realized in my own peri-menopausal phase that I’m capable of more than one orgasm per session- quite the discovery!
Older women may be more open-minded than their younger selves, although perhaps we might leave the acrobatic stuff to fitter bodies! We are still desirable and we have desires. Many of us have honed our needs, and how we want them met, into an art form.
I’m reading more erotica, writing erotica, using sex toys (with lube), watching porn, and communicating about desires with my partner - and I can confirm that “Agony Aunt” got her advice about enhancing one’s sex life during the perimenopause spot on!
(Read more to find out how to write your erotica, click here!)