A recent informal study from Bustle surveyed 500 millennial women and found that 18.6% said they feared bringing sex toys for women into the bedroom. As a millennial woman who’s fought this battle, let me say it again; It’s incredibly common to bump into this. And it isn’t easy. As women, our sexuality is pushed and pulled in different directions by our world from a young age. 1 in 5 women experiences sexual assault of some kind. And we often are on our own for the sexual liberation journey of reclaiming our sexuality, healing and stepping into our pleasure again. A great deal of the emotional burden comes back to us. And we deserve support here.
Let’s look at our guys now. They’re reacting for a reason. They have real feelings here, and they’re really missing something. The Kinsey centre surveyed thousands of people across the US and found that most men have never played with sex toys. Yes, only 23%. They really don’t have enough experience to break through the sexual stigma of sex toys for women. And it gets worse too. A study from psychology today found that men who don’t use sex toys report lower levels of sexual satisfaction. The men in our lives are experiencing a real shortage of sexual pleasure. And the very human thing to do when we don’t have enough is to grasp onto the bit we do have and protect it with our lives. If your partner is among the number of people fearing a scarcity of pleasure, you aren’t alone. And neither are they.
The great news here is that there’s already a highly effective playbook out there to provide the support you deserve. Each of these tips plays an important part in releasing the sexual stigma that so many have associated with sex toys for women.
There’s something you need here. Whether it’s about your own female masturbation practice for solo play or enhancing your partner playtime, it’s important. And frankly, it can’t wait. Building your ability to care for yourself sexually is the next frontier of sexual liberation. Every time a woman has a brave conversation with a man, the world becomes more aware.
Owning our own sexual needs, experiences, and desires is essential to unlocking our own liberation. And sharing that information with a partner is what creates the opportunity to build our intimate connection with others and even create more pleasure for ourselves. What does that look like? It looks like sharing what you need and why. It means sharing which sex toys for women work best for you. Honestly, you have real feelings and experiences to share.
Tell him about how you first learned about female masturbation. Tell him about the sexual stigmas you were taught. Tell him about the times you’ve been assaulted. Tell him about what exploring your sexual desire means to you. The more information you share, the more you paint a picture for him of what’s going on for you and where you’re coming from.
There’s no need to be afraid of answers here. By engaging in some curious questioning, you’ll create the opportunity to get more information on what’s going on for them here. Approach the conversation with curiosity. As women, we can make assumptions to fill in the gaps about the people in our lives. But without their own voice in those gaps, mistakes are inevitable. So giving them the opportunity to answer for themselves gets us the kind of information we can really build on.
Ask them how they feel about their sex life. Ask them what sex has been like for them lately. Ask them what they thought and felt when they noticed your sex toys for women. Direct and curious questioning can lead to actionable information to improve your sex lives and let both of you step into your sexual liberation.
Sexual stigmas exist for men and women and everyone in between. By voicing specific fears, we’re empowered to reassure ourselves and our partners in a really targeted way. They may be afraid of losing you or being ‘bad’ at sex. It’s normal to experience fear. So by hearing their fear, you’ll create the opportunity to really support them in ways that move you both forward. How do we do it? Reassurance. Reassurance has the power to disarm fears by challenging the beliefs behind them. Reassuring a partner, who fears you might not want to have sex with him, that you’re interested in building your sexual intimacy can throw his fear-based assumptions aside. Let him know that sex toys for women are there to build sexual connection, not to replace it.
Your partner may need other kinds of support here. Maybe they’ve been missing sexual connection on a larger scale, and they need to process their grief with you. Men often get messages in society that they aren’t worthy of the sexual interest of women. And questions of worthiness can really get in the way of meeting or advocating for our needs. Consider that your man may lack the belief in their own worthiness. Is it still his responsibility to advocate for what he needs here? Absolutely. We aren’t responsible for anticipating or managing anyone else’s emotional response. AND there’s a lot we can do to create the honest, loving relationships we all deserve.
So go for it! Offer them support. Take a shot on the person you’ve been betting on and raise the stakes. Investing in our relationships from a place of love can move us forward in ways we wouldn’t alone.
Did you already share what you need? Great! Did he breeze right past that once he started thinking about his feelings? Now it’s time to echo that information. Restating your feelings and needs will keep you in an empowered stance. This is when your inner child will start doing backflips- the joy and thrill of caring for your needs proactively is stunning.
Remind him of what you need. Advocating for the sex toys for women you need is essential. Reiterate that female masturbation is what helps us stay in touch with our desire. And we can remember that, for him, talking through deep-seated beliefs can be emotionally and mentally taxing. So let’s assume kindly that he is doing the best he can hear you over the sound of his own emotional response.
Creating more pleasure for you can create more pleasure for him too! In fact, turning towards your pleasure can help him to bravely lean into his own pleasure more too. There doesn’t need to be a scarcity of pleasure in your lives. That one is squarely inside your control and his. Science agrees that connecting in the ways above and then actually playing together IS what makes people more fulfilled in their sex lives. A 2016 study showed that people who played with sex toys and continued to work and innovate in their sex lives were more sexually satisfied.
Try using sex toys for women when you play together. The magic in this one is that your man can get a driver’s seat tour of your pleasure. Hand over the vibrator or the suction toy and guide him. Harder, then lighter, direct, then indirect. You are the expert here. And you may be part of the 80% of women who need more stimulation than penetration to orgasm. So get yourself the pleasure you deserve and give him the opportunity to attune to your pleasure.
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*This article is part of a paid sponsorship from V for Vibes