I need to masturbate. There it is. There is my confession. It’s not so much that I prefer it over sex, or even that I prefer sex over masturbation. They are just totally separate things with overlapping features and they overlap so completely that it can be difficult to discern what I derive from each. So, thinking about this analytically, as most nerds like myself tend to do, perhaps it’s best to think about them as a sort of Venn diagram…
So what fits neatly (or not so much) into each of these sections for me?
Both- Pleasure! Sex and masturbation both feel incredibly good and they’re very satisfying in their own unique ways. Sure, particular sensations are hard to replicate between the two. It’s really hard to give myself the feeling of a good blowjob all alone. It’s also really not very easy for you to know exactly how I’d like to be touched at any given moment, but I do, and I can give myself that when I masturbate. That said, both are incredibly pleasurable and help fulfill my sexual needs.
Sex-What do I get from sex that I don’t get from masturbation? That feeling of closeness, of bonding with my partner. I get to discover all of the things that she enjoys, all of the ways that she likes to be touched. I get the satisfaction of giving her pleasure and I get to enjoy receiving pleasure from her.
Sex is kind of like Christmas morning in a lot of ways. You get to open a lot of gifts that you like, even though sometimes they’re not exactly what you love. You get the joy of knowing someone cared enough about you to go out of their way and give you that gift. But, you also get to watch the person to whom you’ve given your gift enjoy opening it. I think that shared joy is really what holds sex apart for me.
Masturbation- What do I get exclusively from masturbation? In short, self-care. I get to take time out to give myself exactly what I need. I get to explore different sensations without feeling any need to reciprocate, without fear of judgment or failure to perform. There is only me there, and I can do whatever feels good without any other considerations whatsoever. That no-consequence independence and freedom are what is special about masturbation for me. Lately, I haven’t been getting enough of it and it’s begun to affect my sex life.
Do you ever find yourself incredibly horny and short of time to masturbate? I’ve been finding myself in this situation a lot lately and it has become incredibly frustrating. Usually, this ends up leading to one of two scenarios.
A) I just get to it, and rub one out quickly without really enjoying it.
B) Put it off until later in the hopes that I will have more time to take care of my needs later on during the day.
Neither of these ends well, but in the interest of exploring all of the options, let’s take a look at the consequences of either action.
In scenario A I do get my needs met on a very basic, rudimentary, and unsatisfying level. However, I don’t get to try anything new or exciting. This is always a bummer. Masturbation should be about exploring. It should allow you to figure out just how you like to be touched and give you space to just enjoy it.
I don’t know about you, but what I want can change a lot from day to day for me. One day I might want a fast and furious wank where I surprise myself with just how quickly I toss myself off. The next, I might want my hands all over my body. I might want to build up to deep, hard orgasm. On another day, I might want a little pain. Pinch my nipples hard, dig my nails in and imagine you coming hard while clinging to me. There are just too many scenarios to describe, but, invariably, when I’m short on time, I end up doing the same, very effective thing.
That’s all well and good but it does train my body to have a very specific response over a very short time window, and, obviously, that time window doesn’t often lead to great sex.
When I was younger this wasn’t much of a problem. I could stay hard for hours. All you would’ve needed to do was get naked and lay next to me. Now, at the ripe old age of just barely over 40, I have to confess that it takes more than just a glimpse of skin to hold my interest. Don’t get me wrong. With the right motivation, I can still fuck for a very satisfying amount of time. Even so, I think that training myself to come after about 15 minutes or else has definitely threatened to shorten my stamina when I’ve masturbated too quickly, too often, for weeks at a time.
That sucks! There’s just not enough time in my day to squeeze in a quality wank and I definitely don’t want it to impact the quality of the sex that I have. Arggh! But, at least in this scenario, the cause and effect seem highly traceable. Too much fast and furious masturbation equates to short, unsatisfying sex (at least for me)…
Now, let’s examine scenario B, the situation where I put off masturbating indefinitely. You would think, of course, that this would leave me incredibly horny. It does! At least initially, and contemplating this in my current, VERY horny state, two days post-sex with no masturbation in between, is what has led me to write this piece.
That said, after thinking about how my sex life has been evolving these past two months, I’ve begun to wonder if going indefinitely without a good masturbation session isn’t what has contributed to what I’d call a near-total lack of desire lately.
Do you think it’s possible that very much like being nose-blind to a really bad smell, being horny for a long period of time can cause your body to become “sex-blind”? It seems like this may have been the case lately and I definitely don’t want it to be. I mean, I REALLY like sex. I even like being horny, to a certain extent. However, feeling entirely asexual is completely unnatural for me and I find it incredibly alarming. Yet, this is where scenario B had led me and it’s not always easy to know why. Double Arrggh!!
What’s the solution? I really wish I had a good one. It would help me out a lot and it would make this post sound a lot less like a long rant about sexual frustration and how it gets all knotted up with my masturbation habits where it doesn’t belong.
Sadly, I haven’t come up with THE answer yet. No great Messiah is waiting at the end of this post. It seems that the only real solution is to just take time away from some other aspect of my life so that I can get some quality masturbation in. However, as a father, husband, professional, etc…drones on about all of the different roles he plays…I can’t find anything I’m super willing to steal time from.
Of course, this is complicated by the fact that masturbation is a unique task that usually requires a bit more privacy than most others. I mean, I can squeeze a good walk or a jog into my lunch break to get some exercise but I can’t exactly go down to the park and rub one out without eventually ending up in a whole lot of trouble. Definitely not worth the risk!
So, what to do? The best solution I’ve come up with is to steal the time from my sleep schedule. It’s not a perfect solution. I’m usually DTF most hours of the day, but midnight or 2a are not usually times I find myself lusting for an orgasm. I usually have to spend the first 15 minutes or so just reminding myself that, yes, I am horny enough to do this. Also, when I do it more than once every week or two it invariably messes up a lot of other areas of my life. But, overall, I think this is the best balance that I can achieve at the moment and that’s where I’m stuck. Rock! Hard place! Argh!
Originally posted on Ten Ways to Touch.
Cover photo by Pixabay