Why You Shouldn't Be Ashamed of your Sexual Fantasies

I want to start by giving you a little context. I believe I’ve always been sexually charged. I don’t recall a time when I wasn’t curious about sex. I started to touch myself at about 5 or 6 years of age, when I noticed the slight tingle in my vagina everytime I washed myself with a jet spray. I don’t quite know what I was thinking about during these escapades in my early years, but my fantasies have remained largely the same since I hit puberty. I never had any siblings, but I always fantasized about having sex with an elder brother. I had also never been to downtown localities in my city but, to this day, nothing can make me come like the idea of being used and thrown away like a slave by an older, lowly gangster.

I can't help it; I want to escape from reality when I'm in the zone! I want to be slapped hard, picked up in a van, and gagged. I want my clothes to be torn away and hear myself scream while the most powerful and dangerous man in the city holds me down and fucks me.

“A fantasy is something produced in the imagination, allowing you to indulge in a thought life that is very different from what you experience on a day-to-day basis. Within this realm there is no fear of discovery, no worry about being shamed; here there is only the deepest of pleasures.” 

Kahla Kiker

But does this mean I actually want this? No! I would never like this if it actually happened. I know this for a fact because I don't really enjoy being hurt while having sex. And more importantly, I’m a feminist.

That’s where the dissonance arises. How can I be a fighter for equal treatment by day; and a sucker for murderous, drugged-up rapists by night? The hypocrisy didn’t sit well with me, and often turned me off once I recognized it. I hated hypocrisy and lies.

But then I began studying sexuality. I uncovered so many desires, fantasies, and dreams that shocked me to the core. While I did know, previously, about some of these things, I didn’t realize that my knowledge was never given the perspective of the people who had these fantasies. Instead, I knew of their spoofs – the people who made fun of them for simply thinking they would like these non-normative sexual activities.

And that’s the biggest issue with suppressing these ideas. You can’t convict someone of a thought crime. Sure, if their thoughts are about non-consensual activities, like rape or bestiality, it’s also not okay to feed the ideas and let them translate to behavior. But if you’re having these thoughts, you need to accept them and allow them to flow through your head in order for you to have control over them. The more you repress these thoughts, the more likely they are to feed your instinctive actions from your unconscious mind. Simply put, if you don’t allow these thoughts to flow freely when you’re in control (like when you’re masturbating), you might end up expressing them when you’re not (like when you're in bed with someone). You can see how, with rape or bestiality, this would be awful. But even with other kinds of fantasies (like BDSM or Coprophilia) you should agree that it’s better to have control over when you express them than not.

Moreover, if you allow yourself to masturbate to these ideas once in a while, you'll realize that it doesn't matter whether or not you would like to do these things in real life. Why? Because while they may have consequences in reality, they don't in your fantasies. You can fantasize pure pleasure and reach orgasm.

It's important, for this reason, to understand how sex works in our minds. Sex is a primitive activity. It’s been programmed into us on as deep a level as survival. Therefore, just like our food cravings, we don’t have full control over our sexual desires. But since these desires come from a primitive part of our mind (that isn’t very friendly with logic) we can fool ourselves into achieving the orgasm we get from those thoughts without actually being in those situations. And that gives us immense power.

Our ability to masturbate over, or act out, our dangerous fantasies in safe environments (like with a partner), is what allows us to remain functional members of society. Every one of us has an innate, ugly side. It may or may not be sexual, but that side needs some expression, lest it overwhelms the good in us.

“The only limits that exist in fantasy are your own and this is the place where you can push them safely, testing yourself to find the places in your mind you may not know exists. Deep in these recesses you may find wants you never knew you had. Here, in this place, you have the freedom to luxuriate in unsatisfied hungers.” 

Kahla Kiker

So even if your fantasies are so nasty you would never speak a word of them to a single soul, don’t shut them down in your head. They are as much a part of you as anything else. And the same goes for other people: the nature of their fantasies doesn’t change who they are. In fact, I can say that my stance as a feminist has become even clearer ever since I accepted that I have these desires. Why? Because true feminism is sex-positive. And in studying sex you understand its fluidity, its primitive nature, and its frivolity. Take my example, I have the fantasies I have just because they're new! They induce a thrilling sensation to my otherwise-boring life; and I like that, even if it's just wrong. The most innate sexual desires you have care nothing for order and social acceptance. But they’re only one part of you.

As a whole, you probably do care for these things, and therefore, your job is to moderate between your desires and social order. But do care enough to give them equal weight in expression. You get private time for a reason, use it!