Average sex: we’ve all had it. Becoming an escort taught me that everyone is capable of having incredible experiences.

Do you recall the last hook up that made you go, ‘meh’? Was it a drunk night with a friend, when you didn’t remember anything the next day? Was it that first date where everything felt like it was over too soon? Perhaps it was the time when you really wanted everything to feel right, but instead it was super awkward.

For years, this was my life. I went from one random shag to the next. I picked up at clubs, online, got sexy with my friends…but I never thought about what I was doing, or whether it sucked. When things worked out, I felt great. When they didn’t, I felt bad about myself.

When I became an escort, everything changed.

Spending time with people from all walks of life, I worked hard to give my clients better sexual experiences. I discovered that good sex is possible for anyone – not just the young or attractive. I also realised how much we’re missing out on. Many of the guys I met never had good sex – they didn’t know what it was like to feel a real connection. They didn’t know how to enjoy themselves, because they felt too anxious. For some of them, the sex we had was life changing.

Becoming an escort taught me what a great lay is all about. And it also showed me what’s holding us back.

We don’t really know what good sex is.

Good sex is like fine wine or expensive coffee – it takes experience to get it. Until we start having those top-notch sexual encounters, we don’t know what we’re missing.

When I started using my skills and making an effort, the difference was remarkable. Instead of having thoughtless hook ups that were over before they’d begun, I slowed down and noticed everything about the person I was getting intimate with – their smell, the feel of their skin, the sounds they made. It was really hot. I was able to ask for what I wanted. I began to trust that I was safe and respected. It was a whole new world.

Now that I’m enjoying my dates so much, I know the effort is worth it. It’s like finding a great barista: it’s hard to understand why someone would pay three times the price for single-origin cold-brew, until you’ve tried it. Once you do, you don’t want to go back.

Now I know what’s possible, I’ll never stop learning and practising. Because I want MORE.

We’re taught that any sex (even bad sex) is a win.

Once I started working towards better sex, I stopped seeing bad sex as an achievement.

Have you heard the expression, ‘any hole’s a goal’? Okay, maybe you’re not that crude, but most people assume that getting off is the main purpose of getting laid. We don’t really talk about the quality of our experiences – it’s all about quantity.

I used to feel the same way. I’d jump into bed with anyone and count it as a win, even if I felt bad afterwards. My sexual encounters were rushed and careless because I was so focused on getting the ego boost.

Once I started to learn more, I stopped seeing bad sex as a success. I no longer felt a sense of achievement from getting into someone’s pants – rather, what mattered was the quality of the experience, the level of connection, what we explored together, and how well we treated each other.

It’s the difference between telling your mates, ‘Yeah, I fucked her,’ versus, ‘Guess what? I just met someone amazing. We tried all this new stuff together, it felt incredible…and I know she enjoyed it as much as I did.’

We assume we should already know.

Lots of folks think that sex is all about instinct. There’s this idea that people who are good in bed are naturally talented. When we fuck up or feel anxious, we think it’s because we’re defective. If we have bad sex, we assume it’s our fault.

But that’s not how this works. Sex is a learned skill.

You weren’t born knowing how to hold a conversation with someone, so why should you know how to manage something as complicated as a sexual encounter? Most of the information available – in movies, porn, school sex-ed, gossip mags – is patchy. We haven’t been taught what we need to know in order to relax, connect, experiment, and stay safe.

When we assume we should know, we stop trying to do better. The way to fix this is by taking responsibility for your own escapades. Don’t shrug your shoulders and think, ‘I’m just not any good at sex’ – follow the process! We get better by trial and error, listening to our dates, and doing our own research. When we admit how little we know, we can start filling in the gaps; once we do that, it’s easier to feel confident.

I think everybody deserves amazing sex.

My sex life is far from perfect. I still feel anxious and I still make mistakes. But I love knowing how to talk to my partners and find out what they like. I love being 100% focused on every sexy moment I spend with them. After almost every date, I know I’ve made their lives better. When I think about how far I’ve come, and how much more fun I’m having, all that effort is worth it.

Do you worry your sex life is a bit average? This is my solution. It’s not about your age or looks or experience. It’s about changing your attitude and mastering a few basic skills. If you think of getting laid as more than just getting off…if you accept that we don’t always know and might need to learn more…then you too can discover what incredible sex really feels like.

Like good coffee, I doubt you’ll ever want to give it up.


Originally posted: https://www.artofthehookup.com/weve-all-had-mediocre-sex-and-we-can-all-do-better/

Photo by Alexandra Gorn on Unsplash