Self-love is not just a mental state, it is an active pursuit behaviorally. Read on for a story of masturbation, self-esteem, self-love, and emotional security.
“In the early days all I hoped was to make a living out of what I did best. But, since there’s no real market for masturbation, I had to fall back on my bass playing abilities.”Les Claypool
Accepting your own sexuality and desires is not only empowering, it is liberating. I want to share with you my story of how I learned to take charge of my sexuality and pleasure myself. Now, when I look back on my days as a young and curious girl, I am so thankful for that one profound discovery about myself that has helped me in many ways.
I suppose I was in the 3rd or 4th grade at school and used to live under the protective wings of my elder sister. We shared a house with other lady teachers just like my sister. It was a house with a room for every teacher, and there were about four or five of them. Everyone was friendly and caring towards me. One of the teachers, let’s call her Ananya, would receive a guest on certain days who was a male teacher. The very effervescent Ananya used to act differently during his visit. They both would lock themselves up inside Ananya’s room and wouldn’t show up for the next hour or two. Her absence would greatly arouse my curiosity. I would never tire of asking my sister about the identity of the guest, the motive behind his visit, and the reason why Ananya was locked up with him inside her room.
My sister, the protective figure that she was, would always try to distract me with some other activity. On some days, she would take me out for an ice cream or some other favorite snack. On other days, she would take me for a walk in the park. Fortunately, she failed. The day came when my questions were answered, but the answers further fueled my interest.
It just so happened that one evening, while my sister was away, Ananya and her male friend were holed up inside the room with the door ajar. I couldn’t resist finding out what was happening inside. What I saw left a lasting mark on my psyche. I saw Ananya and her friend in an unexpected and never-before-seen position. Seeing a naked man on top of a woman, limbs in strange positioning with moans as the background score made me shiver with both confusion and fear. I managed to make it back to my room but was never again the person I used to be.
I didn’t know what to make of the scene that continuously kept playing in my mind. I didn’t and couldn’t discuss it with anyone else, especially with my sister. In the midst of all these new discoveries, I happened to once sleep with Ananya, sharing a bed in her room. I don’t remember the exact time, but it must have been past midnight when I saw Ananya moving a lot and I was sure she assumed that I was fast asleep. In the dim light of the night lamp I couldn’t see clearly, but I could make out that she had completely spread her legs and was touching herself between the legs. She voiced the same low moans I heard the other day when she was with her male friend. The heavy breathing and the growing intensity of the moans almost froze me to death. I dared not even breathe for fear of being caught witnessing something that I was sure was not meant for my eyes.
I could hardly contain my curiosity. The next time I was all by myself, I tried to replicate what I saw Ananya doing that night we shared a bed. It was a feeling unlike I had ever experienced. Ripples of delight and pleasure seemed to engulf me from all sides and I felt as if I was drifting away towards a mystical world. Between that day and today, I have gone through a lot of highs and lows in life and discovered a lot about myself and my sexuality. But the one thing that incident empowered me with was to place the power to pleasure myself in my hands. I never ever had to look outside of myself to satisfy my cravings and urges.
When I met my ex-husband, I completely believed that I had found my soulmate. I transformed myself into the woman who could give her man the best of all worlds. I supported him in every way possible. I was the doting wife, the supportive spouse, and a caring mother who also managed to be the best sex partner in bed. He had a travelling job that would keep him away at work quite often. But my strong sense of attachment to my husband never let me pine for him in his absence.
“Some women do not masturbate for pleasure; they masturbate to make a political statement: to remind us that women do not really need men (or at least not as much and as frequently as every single male chauvinist and every single misogynist believes).”Mokokoma Mokhonoana
After about a decade of being married, I discovered him cheating on me, and my world came crashing down from all sides. I could not make heads or tail of the situation and come to terms with reality for a long time.
My struggle with myself barely left me with any strength or will to take care of my daughter. I was quite harsh, and sometimes even violent, towards her. I couldn’t see the purpose of my own life or hers. I am sure those were some of the most difficult times both of us have spent together. When I couldn’t take it any longer, I separated from him.
The ugly court proceedings came to an end and we got divorced. My greatest consolation was my ex husband’s acknowledgement that he had committed the biggest sin of his life by cheating on me. He even went on to say that there was hardly any comparison between me and the other woman he chose.
Something in the whole episode made me realize the advantage of my sexual empowerment. It is my belief that because I knew my body inside out, I could not only satiate my own sexual needs and desires, but I could satisfy my partner as well. I guess that is the element that he found missing in the extra marital relationship, but by the time he realized his folly, our relationship was over. This realization helped me get closure. It also prodded me to take a fresh look at self pleasure. When you know you can take care of your needs and desires, you feel in control of yourself and your life.
I have kind of painted my pains away by transferring them from my heart onto canvas. Painting has let me pour my grief into something stunning and has helped me in more ways than one. But self pleasure, more than anything, provided me the therapeutic touch that I so badly needed when my life seemed to be weighed down by enormous grief. It has helped me relieve my sexual tension in a beautiful way and set me free to explore myself, my body, and my sexuality in a way that is totally liberating.
My advice to every sexually active person is to invest time and effort to know yourself inside out. Self pleasure will help you explore your body and find out what feels nice to you. Trust me, you are your best company. Plus when you know your likes and desires, you can fulfill them yourself or get them fulfilled. Simple!
Explore sexual wellbeing
Join our email list to receive our top stories and the best podcasts in sexual wellbeing from around the world.