I did this for myself before I became a Sexologist 11 years ago and this helped me “grow” myself sexually. I’ve been teaching this and decided to share this with you.
Make a list (can be mental) of all the things you ever wanted to do sexually but haven’t.
Choose what is the easiest and plan to do it – for you, not him e.g. wear lingerie, introduce blindfolds, try a new bj technique etc. Go for those that are realistic, attainable as well which doesn’t necessarily need their consent – because it’s “low hanging fruits”.
Set the personal challenge to do one new thing every time you have sex – just one (for you) and see if your sense of playfulness/ adventure/ empowerment doesn’t grow. At this point, think of how you’re doing for yourself – for YOU to grow/ learn/ evolve, not just only about pleasing your partner.
Feel good about taking action. As you start tick things off your list, you’d start feeling more empowered, confident and open about sex and sexuality. You may start realizing it’s not nice/ possible to do certain things to your partner without consent. This is the time to start speaking up more.
Practice speaking up/ suggesting things after sex e.g. “What would you like to do next time? I would like…”, and start ticking more things off your list. Other communication tips:
When to do this? – I found that my previous partners were most relaxed and open (physically and emotionally) to dialogue about sex after sex.
How do you do this? – Of course, it’s not just what you say but the way you say it that matter – try to engage them into a short conversation what they like to do next (perhaps something they haven’t tried and would like to try, if you are brave). The tone should be light; curious; detached (almost as if you don’t care).
Be prepared – When you ask your partner to be honest with you about their sexual desires, you never know what the answer might be (be open and try not to show that you’re freaked out even if you are). Your partner will have with their set of sexual needs, wants, and desires and it’s healthy to have a dialogue about it. Talking about sex doesn’t mean you HAVE to do it – it’s called “talking about it” for a reason. Re framing: “I rather have an open communication about sex, than to be prudish so much so my partner is scared of talking to me about sex.”
Be curious – If your partner desire to perform a sexual act that you are nervous/ scared/ judgmental about, instead of reacting negatively – how about asking why they like it/ want it/ desire to do it? Be curious – ask for their “Why”? I’ve found that if I understand their Why, I am more likely to be “game” to do it – even if one time. Of course, I also need to check into myself whether I feel comfortable doing this sexual act. Remember you need to take care of YOU first!
Keep learning. And of course this is the natural conclusion to my list of suggestions. We don’t know what we don’t know. The only way to learn is to have an attitude of learning, and this applies to sex and sexuality as well. Don’t be one of those people who says, “I don’t need to learn about sex because I have three kids.”
Sex is more than just about procreation. Your relationship with your sexuality (you as a sexual being) will continue to play out until the day you die. You can learn from books, videos, workshops, blogs, social media.
If you have a sexual issue that has gone on for more than six months (wink, wink, hint, hint) than somebody else who claims they did a two-day, two-week or two-month certificate and suddenly is a sex coach. Be careful and be safe out there!
Photo by Natalie Behjan.
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