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How to be Confident in Bed With a New Partner

Wellcelium  |  Mar 26 2021

How to be Confident in Bed With a New Partner

Have you ever questioned exactly how to make the serious leap from inner self-acceptance into outward confidence in relationships? Do you wonder how you can be confident in bed with a new partner? Or maybe how you can be more confident sexually in your current relationship and rekindle the flame?

You already know it’s normal to have these feelings sometimes, and you’d also like to feel more confident when it comes to feeling sexy. You are wondering what steps you can take to boost your confidence in expressing your sexuality and your desires.

Everyone can feel sexier if they practice.
Everyone can become erotically confident.

What is erotic confidence?

Erotic confidence is a felt sense of certainty within your personal sexuality. This first step reminds us that each of us deserves to express ourselves, our desires, and our sexuality. It is okay to want what you want, and like what you like, and to have the skill set to express and embody all of it.

While erotic confidence may lead to bold flirtations, meaningful eye contact, winks, and coy smiles, it’s important to remember that erotic confidence is not simply performative. It is sourced from being deeply connected with yourself and knowing how to give yourself permission to feel and enjoy. At the base of erotic confidence is a general sense of “I am enough just the way I am”.

What does erotic confidence feel like?

  • You feel good about your body.
  • You feel in touch with your desire.
  • You feel open to selectively exchanging erotic energy with the world.
  • Space exists for the entirety of your sexuality.
  • You are in touch with the current of eros inside of you.
  • It feels powerful, good, sexy.

Why is erotic confidence important?

Here’s the secret weapon of erotic confidence: confidence and shame cannot co-exist.

Confidence in your sexuality and body confidence will actually help to rid you of shame and support your healing path. All of us are carrying baggage that does not belong to us, and it’s time to put it down.

Shame is the biggest block on the road to being more confident sexually. Being aware of the invisible impact that shame is having on your sexuality is important. It is necessary to investigate all the ways that shame is influencing how you are showing up to sex. Body shame is just one example.

If shame may be blocking your efforts toward sexual confidence, as it is for many, many people, it’s important to start noticing how the shame is showing up, so that you can start to recognize and name it when it happens. Feeling shame and feeling sexy cannot co-exist, so if you want to feel good about your body and feel sexy, you are going to need to address any internalized shame you have.

Questions to ask yourself

How can I build my erotic confidence?
With practice, practice, practice! Here are 5 questions that can help you envision your path to increased confidence in bed.

  1. When have you felt most erotically confident in the past? What made you feel that way, and how could you bring that to future experiences?
  2. What gives you pleasure?
  3. What feels fun for you in bed?
  4. What are some ways you could practice asking for what you want and discover what your partner wants?
  5. What happens when you focus on pleasure, not on expectations or performance?

Suggested practice & resource

Watch the following video as a conversation starter with your partner and then have a brief discussion.

Jam as a model for sex by Karen B.K. Chan

Discussion questions:

  • What are your big takeaways?
  • How could we be more improvisational in our sex?
  • What could I practice on my own and then bring to our play?

Originally published on Wellcelium.

Cover photo by Pexels


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