I hear this from women often, and occasionally from men too.
Here are some ideas to help you reclaim your libido.
*Disclaimer: this is for folks who are experiencing diminished sex drive, which feels unusual. Although some of the tips can help raise your libido in general. It is not to try and keep up with your partner. Mismatched libido is another challenge we can have (you are normal, no matter what anyone tells you). This is not about that.
First of all, it’s important that you know that everyone goes through various levels of desire, which is a natural part of life. So try not to stress about that, it only makes things worse.
Has this been the situation for a long time? There may be an underlying hormonal reason. It’s ok to talk to your doctor about this. They can run tests to be sure your hormone levels are in a good place.
Now, take an honest look at your life at the moment. Are there unusual or extra stressors? How is your body feeling, are you struggling with anything from allergies, to intense medical concerns? Even chronic conditions you are used to can affect libido.
80% of folks react to any type of discomfort or stress by shutting down the libido in preparation for a flight/fight/freeze/appease situation. Even if you ‘know’ you don’t need to do any of those things, our primitive brain isn’t always so sure.
Are you being kind to yourself? Sometimes we internalize other people's negative ideas, and they can affect us without even being aware we have done that.
The best way to figure this out is to literally ask yourself.
One way is to get into a quiet calm space, with whatever feels comforting around you, incense, a bath, a view, and simply ask, “Self, do you feel nourished?” And then believe what the response is.
Sometimes it takes a few minutes of actively going through the motions to jump-start desire. This is called receptive arousal. Meaning you need to engage in the sensations and activities that appeal to you the most to help get the party started. It’s ok to try and decide if it’s working this time or not. Just be clear and open with yourself or your partner, that it isn’t anything about them (or you) at the moment.
Priming the pump over time can help rebuild libido. In other words the more often you self pleasure, or spend time fantasizing, the stronger the muscle grows.
Breathwork can be a great way to work on it, especially when nothing else feels doable. Get into bed and make sure all distractions are dealt with. Close your eyes and notice all the other sensations you can in the room, sound, smells, etc. Now feel your body. Are there places that need attention, if so send some loving-kindness to those spots. Begin breathing deeply. Bring the breath all the way down to your genitals.
When you are ready, imagine a root growing from your root area down to the middle of the earth. When it gets there bring the heat back up through it and feel it warming your lowest chakra. From here you can bring it up through your whole body and out the top of your head. Spend some time letting the energy flow freely between you and the earth. Imagine it warming you throughout your whole being. When you are satiated, you can pull your root back into you, and the energy will remain. Spend some time loving and honoring your body, sexually or not, before resuming regular activities.