Gaia
Welcome to another fabulous episode of Tickle.Life podcast. I'm your hostess with the mostess Gaia Morissette. And we bring you this wonderful episode. Because Tickle.Life believes that sex is safe sex is healthy. And sex can even be playful. And we want to normalize sexuality. So throughout this episode, you probably hear me giggle and laugh a lot. That's a good sign. That means that this is a safe space. This is a safe conversation for us to have. So I bring you our new guest, Buck.
Buck
Hi. Thanks. And I like giggling giggling is good. Laughing is good. We need more of that today.
Gaia
Good. So the two of us are just gonna be a big giggle. Fasten.
Buck
Laughing So if you're listening, we're just laughing. Laugh fast.
Gaia
So but what are we talking about today? So,
Buck
um, I don't know if your listeners even know who I am. But maybe we could talk about my life and my life as a transsexual person. And my journey to get to my space, not only as a man, but also sexually was very difficult space for me to get into. So I think maybe that might be the appropriate thing that we can discuss here. And maybe there's people listening who are in the same struggle that I struggled to get to now I live a beautiful, amazing, special, like magical life that I would never in a million years think I could be this person. So I think sharing my life so that maybe somebody else out there who's struggled like I had to struggle could see that as opportunities today.
Gaia
Yeah, yeah. So all right. So where do we want to start?
Buck
Well, I was born in 1962, I'm 58 years old. And I always felt like a boy. I mean, I grew up in the San Fernando Valley in Southern California, I was raised as a tomboy, you know, like, I was a little girl who wanted to be a little boy. And my parents were super cool about it. And I didn't have a bad childhood, which a lot of people would think somebody like me might have a bad childhood, no way. I had an awesome childhood. My parents were really open about me being you know, little buck, you know, the problem always comes and that's for everyone here listening and you as well, puberty. Puberty is the nightmare of the of the human body. And I and so for a person like myself, a transsexual person, it can be a nightmare. It can be it can be death, really, for us. And so suicide pockets,
Gaia
let's let's talk about that. Let's drop into that piece. All right. So yeah, tell us when you were, you know, your start hit puberty. Did you know that you felt like you were a boy? Like, when did you know that? Like, when did that that construct happened? Like when did that start to happen for you?
Buck
I will I'm going to tell you from the minute I was born, I can tell you that I never end You know, it is a it is a very interesting question to ask somebody. What do you mean, you felt like a man or a boy? What do you mean, you felt like a girl? What does this mean? Because it's a we do talk about gender more as a construct, which I do believe that's true. But what I don't what I also believe is in biology, and so biologically, I am a female body person. But But what I can tell you is even from a little child, I can remember being very much like I want to be the brother, I want to be the brother to my sisters. I want to be the boy I want to be called key. I can always remember that and always being teased at school because I was a girl who looked like a boy. So pretty much I could say my whole life, I have always felt pretty much like buck.
Gaia
So when you started to hit puberty, what happened? What well,
Buck
So what happens is on Okay, so remember how old I am? 58 So puberty started for me late two. So I think most women get their period or girls I think someone like now they're starting early, right? Like 13 or something like I didn't start 15
Gaia
Yeah, actually, they can start as young as 10
Buck
It's like holy shit, that that in itself is a nightmare for a 10 year old little girl even a little boy, but I think it's worse. I personally think it can be a little bit more intense for a little girl because you know, we start to menstruate and so what happened for me 15 all my other friends although girls I hung out with were very few I mostly hung out with boys even at 15 So I just started I got my period and I had no idea what the weather was. I'm like what my mom didn't even tell me about my period. She told my sisters but she didn't tell me and I didn't know what it was. So that was the beginning of the end for me because I'm bleeding out of my you know, area there and I don't even know what that even means and boobs started to grow. And
Gaia
what happens so what happens in that moment as you you know, when you're you see blood do you go
Buck
do you? Yep. I screamed, Mom, I bleeding. I'll never forget she ran the bathroom. She's like, what? Oh, you're menstruating. I'm like What? What is menstrual And she's like you're becoming a woman. Oh, I want to cry right now even thinking about it, you're becoming a woman. Those words are like a, like a knife to my throat. And that was it. I started feeling suicidal, became alcoholic drug addict, I became a cutter. I became everything and anything I could do to relieve myself from the pain of becoming a woman. So yeah, it was a downfall for me right there that started everything to basically try to get myself off of this earth.
Gaia
So yeah. And so how long did that period happen for you?
Buck
So basically, all happened until I was about the age of 30. I think something like that when I got sober. And so for a year, for for year upon year, I didn't graduate high school, I was lost, I became an alcoholic, I suicide attempts put a mental hospital back in the day, they put me in a psychiatric ward. I told everybody, I felt like a boy. They're like, No, you're just a gay woman, blah, blah. It was forever and ever and ever. And, oh, I got to transition, which was also a whole story in itself, because I was one of the first people to transition here in Los Angeles, both of my doctors had never even done trans surgery before. So I became sort of like an experiment to get to this space.
Gaia
Wow. Yeah. So what ends up happening during that period of time with your dating life, your sexuality, what's going on there.
Buck
So I became a gay woman, because that's sort of the space I was not, I don't want to say pushed into because I don't feel that I feel that that was the tools the therapists had. And the tools that therapists had, they saw a masculine woman who said they felt like a guy. And so back in the day, there was no transgender, as you see today. So they just kept pushing me toward this space, which, you know, I don't blame them at in any way, shape, or form. It was all spaced for me to be this guy today. But that said, they did it. They didn't help me and made it worse. So I ended up, you know, living the life of a gay woman. And that was also very difficult for me. And because I kept saying, I'm a man, and everyone just kept making fun of me. You know, so so for a year upon year, I became a major alcoholic drug addicts just running around the streets of LA and just doing my thing to stay alive on some level. I don't I can, I ended up becoming a model. I mean, we'll wait here hours if I tell you my whole life. But bottom line is I got discovered on the street, I went to Europe, I became a fashion model as a woman, which heightened my drug addiction. And then next thing, you know, I've just such a mess there. They sent me back to the States, I become homeless, you know, drug addicted prostitution, I did prostitution on the streets, to buy crack, until eventually I got sober. And that was really where my whole life changed. And why I'm sitting here talking to you today is definitely sobriety.
Gaia
So what was the catalyst to get to choose so sobriety to get sober? Like what was the
Buck
prostitution, prostitution, homelessness and crack addiction, and I went home with a client and that client client from the street, and I went home with him, and he almost killed me. And that was my wake up call. I said, I'm going to die. I knew I saw death and in my eyes i He was I really to this day, I think it was a serial killer. And to this day, I almost got chopped up in little pieces, but I escaped and that then I said to myself, God, if I stay alive, I will become a better person. And, and I get I got to stay alive. I mean, it's pretty intense. What I went through this space today, so it's why I celebrate my life. Honestly, I You could call me do anything you want to me. I don't care. I earned I earned this life. For sure. Okay,
Gaia
so you almost die. That's a wake up call. How do you start? How do you go into recovery? What happened?
Buck
So I call out one of my one of my ex girlfriends who I've somehow remembered her number. Remember, I'm homeless, I have nothing, I don't have anything. Now. I have a bag of clothes. That's it. And so I remembered her phone number and she told me that she said that if I don't go to the rehab that she'll get me into, she'll never speak to me again. And don't ever call her and that and that was the catalyst for me to get into a rehab and sobriety sobriety. That's it I'm gonna say at sobriety is what cleared my mind and, and really got me into a space of of being able to sort of function in a way that I could save my life.
Gaia
So how long were you in rehab?
Buck
So I ended up going to a rehab that was sort of like the best rehab you could go to because it was all just totally bare bones. You read that book, you study every day you go to, you know, group meetings, you it was hard core, and it's the reason why I'm here. So that was a place downtown in Santa Monica, California called Claire, and I was there for a month. And then you know, I just kept practicing my I went to AA so it did AA save my life for sure. And I practice the book and I practice the steps and I got regimented and I just really cared about myself really sobriety is about caring about yourself and about caring to get to a space of, of life and That's why I really am lucky today that I have got to be in that space.
Gaia
So at what point now, after the sobriety, do you realize that you you're going to move into this transition place? So right, so that right, where's that? Where's that coming?
Buck
Yeah. So So through sobriety, things happen to wake up and you start to see the world and you're like, oh, but I'm still like this Butch, butch woman, saying, I feel like a man and everyone's still like, Well, no, you're just a butch woman. Until eventually I found a therapist, and the therapist was a gay, lesbian woman. And she, I went to her office, every once a week, 45 minutes, I sat there wouldn't say a word to her. I was so worried what she was gonna say to me that you're just a gay woman. And then finally, at the fifth time I went, she's like, Buck, when you're ready, we can have a discussion. I literally sat in her office for every session, not saying a word. And then I just said, I have to say, This is ridiculous. And then I just said, I pulled my hat off. And I said, I remember crying. And I said, you know, Casey, I feel like a man. I don't feel like a woman. And she said to me, I believe you. And I'll be honest, it's gonna make me cry. Because Because of that, I'm here. Seriously, she was the one who was the first person to say to me, I believe you. What can we do to make this happen for you? And she had no skills she had in a no, this was back in the day before the internet. We didn't even have the internet. We had nothing. We had no tools, nothing. But I'm going to tell you, she was very instrumental in bringing me to this space.
Gaia
That's beautiful.
Buck
Yeah, thank you. It really is amazing.
Gaia
So then you end up on the on the journey of the both of us trying to figure it out together.
Unknown Speaker
Mm hmm. That's right. And so I went to a bookstore, because that's what we had back in the day bookstore. Yeah, it was an LGBT bookstore down the street called a different like bookstore. And I still have the I went to the magazine rack, I went to the books, I don't know what the fuck I'm looking for, I don't even know. It's called a sex change. I don't have any idea. We didn't talk about that. And so all you saw back in the day, where transsexual women, so you only saw men becoming women, you never saw women becoming men. And so I just remember, I found this book, it was called trans gender resource guide for male to female. And then I just was like, what, and then I was like, Oh, my God is the opposite of me. And then I went, and I looked at every was resources, doctors, clothing, electronics, everything a trans woman needs, and I must like what I hit, and it was, Oh, my God, this is even more, it gives me chills. It was the last one sitting, I swear to God, I'm just like, the sun god. Just like what I mean, today, I still have it. That's why it's just like, it's instrumental in me being here. And I found a doctor. And he was a doctor who gave administered hormones for men becoming women. And so I called him with the blessing of my therapist. And he said, Well, you got to get a note from your therapist, which is what we had to do back in the day. And he said, I'll be honest with you, I never have done a woman becoming a man. And he said, You will be my guinea pig. He actually said that to me. And I'm, I'm like, dude, I'll be whatever you want me to be. And then that was it, I started hormones, and I was on I was. So I used to have a mantra. And my motto was, if it doesn't work out, I'll kill myself. And that was always what I did, from that moment on anything that I was doing to change my body or change myself, because I didn't have the internet and I couldn't see what I was gonna look like are any other trans men. And so I Who knows, I'm gonna grow horns and a tail. And I like what I don't even know. I'm like, I don't give a fuck, I'm gonna do this. And if it doesn't work, I'll kill myself. It was something I said all the time to myself. And luckily it and then eventually, I looked in the book, and I found a guy to take to do my top surgery. And again, same thing, never worked with a trans man told me I'd be his first he brought a new surgery from Europe. He tried it on me. It worked out amazing. I was just like, I'm supposed to be here. I'm supposed it just was too smooth and too amazing. For back in the day when there was nobody else doing it. So really, I do believe the universe pointed me into that direction.
Gaia
That's beautiful. And what? When you started taking the hormones, what were the shifts that were happening?
Buck
Yeah, so of course, again, no one knows anything about a woman becoming a man. I didn't know I was gonna look all crazy like this. And then I swear to God, it's all in your brain, I think gave me not even like a tiniest bit of testosterone, you can now I take one cc of testosterone every week. But before I was only taking like a tiny drop, I just remember being like, Oh my God, my whole life was about to change, because it's mental as well as physical. And then what I started seeing in the first month, what I started seeing was a receding hairline. And so most people know I'm totally bald. I lost all my hair in the first year. And those I started seeing that I started seeing the structure of my face change and the first year I saw my nose if you can go on the internet and see pictures of me before When I was a woman, you just see a hole. Like literally, it looks like my sister. So it actually changed every physical aspect of my body to be more masculinized.
Gaia
And as you were seeing these changes happen, how are you feeling about those changes? Were you excited, excited?
Buck
Oh my god. But guess who wasn't excited? Partners. So at the time, I had a woman partner who identified as a gay woman. And so she was like, ah, ah, I'm into women. Ah, you look like a gym queen. Because because I was going to a gym, and I'm gonna be I was so freaked out. She's like now. So I lost my girlfriend at the time. And actually, it was the best thing that ever happened to me, because I ended up doing like two or three years of my transition alone, which really was great, because nobody could, you know, take me off track. And I really say that a lot to the younger generation. If you're not in a relationship, you might want to think about not being in a relationship for your first couple years. So you can really focus on your own needs and your own self. It's not healthy when you have someone telling you like, Oh, you look weird. It's like, oh, man, that shit. Yeah. So yeah, it was amazing. It was like magic. I was on my way. And there was no one that was going to pull me back. No, I don't care who you are. No, get out of my way. I'm going to become that man. was really how I felt.
Gaia
And then when it happened, so what happens when like you it arrives? And at what point do you feel like it arrives?
Buck
Sex, I feel like that's when I arrived sex. So I Well, I haven't always been detached from my vagina. Even as a gay woman, I had sex. I'm very sexual. I've always been very sexual. But you know, I strap it on or be very masculine with it. And I didn't let women touch me down there. And I was very much about wearing clothes and doing things that didn't necessarily expose my female body, right. So during my transition, and really becoming this dude, and like, of course, one of the things I'm just desiring to have is a penis, because that's what men have is a penis. And I like penis too. And I see these penises everywhere. And I'm like, I want why those. It didn't happen. Because first off, the internet wasn't really around and the things I did see, you know, and again, disclaimer real quick here. I don't want anybody to think I'm anti bottom surgery, because I am not. It's just again, my story. And it's about why I chose not to do it. I believe today, we have an advanced surgery. And it's doing really amazing things for these young trans guys. But for me, it didn't happen because it just wasn't there. I wanted a functioning penis, I wanted to have sex, I wanted to pee through it, I wanted to you know, get erection didn't happen. It was a pretty intense surgery they take it just was too intense for me, and then you have a more than a 50:50 chance of losing your orgasm. You should have told me that first because I wouldn't have wasted your time here. I like I'm outta here. So you know, it just didn't work out for me because it was too many negatives and not enough positives. And I'm not gonna I'm not gonna do this just to have a penis because I realized the penis is for you is not for me. I'm totally comfortable with my vagina. So I started masturbating. And through masturbation is when I really became really connected to my body, my soul, my vagina, my everything. And that's when I said, Wait a minute here. I have this magical thing between my legs. And everyone's telling me I can't use it. You're not a man, but I'm like, No, go fuck yourself. And that's sort of when I really just sort of realized I gotta show this to the world. Because this is important. And I believe that there are other people like me struggling out there with our with sex. Because we don't have normal genitalia, then we're struggling with sex because how do I approach you in a bar? How do I approach you in sex? It's not. Now it's whole different, but 25 years ago? Oh, it was difficult.
Gaia
Was there any scary moments?
Buck
All the time, all the time, because I didn't want to tell people about my vagina. Because look at me, right? I mean, I didn't have such a big beard back then. But I did look very male. And so I became the guy who disclosed I became the guy that said, Fuck it. I'm just gonna tell people because it's just as uncomfortable for me. When you pull your pants down and you have a vagina and expecting a penis. It's uncomfortable. Or when you pull out a dildo or you say wait a minute, I gotta like what? Because I've always passed so well even as a woman I passed as a man. So I realized by disclosing I'm alleviating for not only myself but for you. And it's not fair to you either. And once I disclose nobody ever said no. I was like actually, honesty is always the best policy so I'm being about disclosure today. I talk a lot about it for the youngsters and like you got to disclose these kinds of things. Whether you feel that you don't need to you have to respect the other person. And if you are passing as much as I do, it is not responsible for you not to say something. You got to say something because it's just uncomfortable for some people to Go with a transsexual person, and I want you to make the choice before we get into a bad space.
Gaia
Mm hmm. Beautiful. So what's the one thing that you know, now that you wish you could have told the younger version of yourself,
Buck
that your vagina is amazing. I wish I would have told myself that because I hated it for so much of my life. And so on some level, I feel like I get to shout it to the world, don't get rid of your vagina. It is really one of the things I learned is to accept my body, change the things you can and the things you can't deal with. And you know, it's the Serenity Prayer, you know, and that's what I learned from AA was really some things you can actually change, some things you'll never be able to change. I have it literally tattooed on the side of my leg. And it's and it doesn't start with God because that's how it originally it says goddess, I changed into goddess because I'm a hardcore feminist. So that being said, every day I think to myself, these are the things that can change you that things I can't, how can I make it better for myself, so I realized I can't change my genitals, it's I could change my chest, I could change the way I look. Just that alone made me be able to walk the world so comfortably and not worry about what other people think about me. So that's really my message is just learning out of self love becoming yourself, the things you can change, change them, the things you can't figure out how you can handle dealing with them.
Gaia
That's beautiful. That's beautiful. Right on. So how can people spend more time with you? Like for the first time accessible? Let's start with what do you do in the world? Okay,
Buck
Yes. That's a good question. So I'm also an entrepreneur and a guy who creates so I'm a creator. I've my career started in pornography, but now I create sex toys, or what I like to call sexual wellness products for the trans male community. So I created the world's first transgender male sex toy, I create lubes for trans men, I create body products for them washes, all those kinds of things. And I'm also in the cannabis business. So I also have my own cannabis company. And so today, you can read you can find me at buckangel.com Twitter,Buck Angel, Instagram, Buck Angel. Facebook, I'm not really big on but you can find me there Official Buck Angel, so I'm accessible to anybody who wants to reach out to me. I am here for you. So just reach out to me.
Gaia
And how can people buy those products and find those products? Yeah, right on.
Buck
Thank you, buckangel.com Everything is there. Everything is there. Yeah. Thank you. I appreciate that.
Gaia
You know, that's exciting. You know, it is? Yeah,
Buck
It has helped so many guys deal with their vaginas. I created a product called the buck off, so you don't have to touch your vagina. It just slips over your clitoris and you stroke like a man. And it literally changed these did they're just like what so now I got all these dudes masturbating. That was my ultimate goal in the world, everybody to masturbate.Gaia
Right. So thank you. Anything else that you feel like you everybody that somebody should? No,
Buck
no, I think that that, you know, gives me the space here to talk about that. I appreciate it. And you know, there's kids out there struggling when I say kids, you know, I'm 58. So I say kids to you. To everyone who's one year younger than me. I'm sure you're like 20. So I'm just like, 20 year old is not a kid. But I just do that because I've you know, I've gotten this tramp hall monitor now. So everyone calls me a tramp. Ah, but you know, for me, it's just, I'm just so lucky to be in this space today. And just, you know, say my journey and hopefully somebody hears my journey and someone says, Wow, I can do it too. You know, I didn't have that when I was growing up. As a young trans man. I didn't have any of that. I didn't have a guy to see. Wow, I could just see an older trans guy. I think it really helps you with anything right? And in any world. Even in the sex world. When you see an L we see an older person who's been important for a long time, and they're still successful. I think that's pretty awesome.
Gaia
That's beautiful. Alright, audience thanks for hanging out with us. Don't forget to check out tickle dot life. And if you want to spend more time with me, you can find me at gaiamorissette.com And don't forget to check out my podcast called My orgasmic life. Have a juicy day and may be filled with exploration, honesty, and love.
