Stop Faking Orgasms: A How-To

Fake orgasms, in particular, women's fake orgasm, have been a part of our cultural dynamic for quite a while. They've been popular in discussions at least since “When Harry Met Sally” was released in 1989. There are many reasons someone might fake orgasms, and I won’t invalidate you if you feel like it’s the best thing to do in your situation, but if you want to move past having to fake orgasms, and start really feeling as much pleasure as you can, then you’re in the right place. 

In one study examining about 800 college students, a 52% orgasm gap was found. That is, 39 percent of women and 91 percent of men said that they usually or always experienced orgasm in partnered sex.

Psychology Today

There’s been a lot of talk lately about women reclaiming their sexuality. One of the popular rallying cries or, to put it in 21st century speak, 'hashtags' has been “Close the Orgasm Gap.” And I’m all for it! There shouldn’t be a disparity in orgasm or pleasure in general because of gender. The question then becomes “Well I want to help close the orgasm gap, but how?” This question is even more pertinent when you are just hooking up with someone and don’t plan on having a continued relationship with them. 

There may be an assumption that it is your partner’s responsibility to give you pleasure. I want to disavow you of that deceit. Pleasure in a partnered setting is a two way street. That’s why I always tell people that they need to learn to own their pleasure. With that in mind I’d like to introduce my “Three Prerequisites for Getting the Sex You Want.”

Before I jump into the three prerequisites, I’d like to make this disclaimer: I’m going to assume that you, dear reader, can already orgasm without difficulty on your own. If not, that’s another matter entirely. I also want to make it clear that you don’t have to have an orgasm in order to enjoy sex. 

The first prerequisite? Know what you like. Everyone enjoys different sensations and kinds of stimulation. There are more ways to please someone than there are people on this planet, because everyone likes different things, even though these differences are marginal. With that in mind, there is no way that your partner can know what you like and how you like it. Take the time to learn what you like. 

Women have more orgasms when they masturbate than when they are with a partner. (In a study with 800 college women, 39% of women said they always orgasm during masturbation while 6% said they always orgasm during sex with a partner).

Psychology Today

Know how to describe what you like. Many people already know what they like, but since we’ve been discouraged from discussing sex our whole lives, few of us know how to talk about it. After you learn what you like, start paying attention to the details. You will need to remember the details, because that’s the ticket to communicating your desires to your partner. My recommendation is to write them down. 

Know how to listen to what your partner likes. This goes both ways. If your partner is the one you are trying to please, don’t let your ego get in the way. Listen to what they have to say and follow along precisely. If anything is confusing, ask. Don’t assume that what you already thought was pleasurable is the same as what they are describing. That’s not listening. 

Even if you are the one trying to achieve more pleasure during sex, listening to your partner is important. Firstly, because you want to make sure your partner is comfortable. If your partner is not comfortable, it will create a negative feedback loop. If they aren’t enjoying themselves it will affect their ability to please you. Conversely, if they are enjoying themselves, it can create a positive feedback loop. It is very common for one partner to be aroused by their partner’s pleasure. With this working both ways, each partner will be feeding off of the other’s pleasure. Finally, listening to your partner and following their instructions can lead you to learn new things that you enjoy, which takes us back to step one. That is my favorite part of this system, the constant flow of communication and information means your body can keep experiencing new pleasures all the time. 

“My mother and other older generations felt that in exchange for the pussy, you should get marriage, you should get something. I’m not that kind of girl, though. I think real sexual liberation means that you’re in charge of your pussy; you don’t have to exchange it for anything.”

Bell Hooks

Following these steps will not only help you teach your partner how to please you, it will help you own your pleasure, achieve more orgasms, and increase communication with your partner. With these skills you can become the curator of your own pleasure.