My partner doesn’t want to have sex, what now?

There are, of course, many reasons why members of a partnership may develop a difference in erotic desire. Sometimes the relationship has been neglected, other times one partner may be going through some health issues. But sometimes one partner just seems to shut off and no longer be interested in sexual intimacy. “What do we do now?” becomes the difficult question.

Assuming the two parties are still in a loving relationship and want to work things out, this presents a challenge. If one partner wants to have sex and the other is not that interested, it can feel like the whole relationship is rocky when that may not be the case. 

I have personally experienced this difference in desire in my own relationships, (and by the way it is not always a male partner who wants more sex and a female who wants less!) and I wanted to share some thoughts with you about how to move through this phase with ease and grace and yes, love. 

First of all, let us acknowledge that there are different stages in our sexual life. These stages can move back and forth, or we randomly find ourselves in one stage that we were in a few years ago, and here we are again. According to Sex Educator, Jaiya, these stages include things like:

• Resting; If you are in this stage, you may be in a sexless relationship, taking a break from sex by choice, are still a virgin, or are craving sexual satisfaction but have cut off all sexual activity. 
• Healing: If you are in this stage, you are seeking to overcome your sexual obstacles and heal what keeps you from having great sexual experiences. 
• Curious: In this stage, you want to learn more about your sexuality and how you can make it better. 
• Adventurous: In this stage, permit yourself to experience freedom when it comes to sexual pleasure. You like to explore your sexuality by stepping outside of the box. 
• Transformative: If you are in this stage, you are interested in experiencing the “more” to sexuality. You want to move beyond the physical and into the realm of all that is erotically possible. 

So if one of you moves into a resting or healing stage and the other moves into a curious or adventurous stage at the same time…. well, you can see how that would be difficult! 

So what can we do if this happens? 

First of all, take a step back and look at the whole totality of your relationship. Have you had many exciting sexual years behind you that you can look back on and remember if you have to be patient and wait for your partner to move through something? Do you still share many intimate and tender moments even if they don’t culminate in sex or even sexual play? Do you love this person and want what’s best for them, even if it means you don’t get what you want all the time, or for a little while at least? Do you both know how to communicate and share what is happening for you and not make it a blame game? 

If you find that your relationship is basically sound and that your love is still strong, perhaps the only missing piece is the communication or the ‘know-how’ of creating a connection without penetrative sex.  This can be where finding a Somatic Sex Educator or coach is the missing piece. 

A coach or educator can help you both discover, discuss, and disclose your own process to your partner so that your relationship can become stronger because of these times and not weaker. 

Interested? Ready to find out more?

Reach out to me here —> 30 Minute Consult

With loving patience,

Ailsa