When I talk to people about their sexuality, a theme that often emerges is “I just don’t feel sexual.” Being out of touch with your erotic self is a common challenge that many people face. Many of us have learned to live with this diminished feeling state. Sometimes in a relationship, one person’s libido is less than their partners, and so they compare themselves. Sometimes people are unable to access their erotic energy, and come to believe that they don’t have any.
This week I get news of the death of a loved one.
It’s the second death on my web this month and it hits me hard. Sometimes death opens and softens me, clarifying my priorities and I can’t deal with words at all. Writing is not possible. Listening to the audio content for the course, I’m miles away from the course content’s focus on libido.
In the process of reclaiming libido and erotic energy, it’s helpful to work with your body, instead of telling it how it better behave or else! Telling your body that it should feel more sexual is akin to telling a two-year-old they should share their toys. Of course, resistance comes up!
The erotic loves spaciousness and freedom.
Start where you are, with what you are actually feeling. Allowing yourself permission to be just as you are, creates an atmosphere of loving acceptance. Recognizing that how you are in this moment is a culmination of all of the events, stories, and influences in your life to date. Feeling what you actually feel sets a baseline of self-acceptance, promoting an authentic self-experience. Erotic energy loves authenticity! You can’t fake it, control it, or banish it very effectively. You can welcome it by setting a place at the table, and feeding it well when it shows up.
I try asking myself how my erotic and my mourning might live together. Sometimes fucking can be a way of doing mourning.
But not this time. I rock shut and stay that way.
I feel frustrated like I’m missing my chance with the course because this is now and I want to be in the work as fully as possible. As possible being the key phrase there, self. I couldn’t, so I didn’t. But it took time before I could accept that of myself… more on this in next week’s blog.
Questions to Ask Yourself:
Having access to your felt sense of your libido, your sexual desire may ebb and flow over the course of your life, your relationship, your moon cycle, the seasons. Perhaps springtime makes you feel frisky as the sap of Eros rises in your veins, but in mid-winter, you’d rather be cozy than sexual. All of this is normal.
If accessing your libido is a challenge, here are some questions to consider:
Is there a certain way you believe you should be feeling?
Is there a certain frequency you expect yourself to feel sexual?
If you have a partner/partners, what role does their sexuality play or your sexual relationship dynamic with them play in your libido?
Have you ever had a different relationship with libido?
Does feeling libidinous have a particular cost or costs associated with it for you, either in the past or currently?
Try this 15-minute practice of writing a letter to yourself expressing compassion, understanding, and acceptance for your current situation.
Sex and Grief with Joan Price In this podcast, Joan Price, the author of Sex After Grief, joins Dr. Jones to discuss how to become sexual again after losing a loved one.