Love is Not the Surrender of the Self

“Mature love is not the surrender of the self but a surrender to the self.”

A. Lowen

This is a profound statement. It also goes against most of the marketing and media descriptions in our society of ‘falling in love’. We are constantly fed images of love as ‘finding our other half’ or ‘needing you so badly’ or even ‘I will die without you.’ What kind of message does this give to our Soul?

In fact, many people see the act of falling in love as a way to avoid taking responsibility for their own feelings or actions. We have this magical child view that everything will be taken care of by this other person and if we have found the right one, that we will live happily ever after. Isn’t that how it is in the movies?

In fact, falling in love often has a regressive component. We are actually looking for the support and encouragement we needed as a child. If we approach a potential partner from our unmet childhood needs, we are doomed to create an imbalanced and dysfunctional relationship. It is, first and foremost, important to learn how to be responsible for our own good feelings.

Another way to look at this dynamic is to look at whether we have a longing for love, or an actual ability to love. The longing for love is a thread from our past, usually from childhood when we longed for attention, love, and security from our caregivers. As a child, we do need this type of unconditional and somewhat one-sided love. Part of being a parent is responding to a child’s needs, even if we don’t feel like it at the time.

As a child grows up, they have to learn to take more and more responsibility for their own wellbeing and learn to respect and honor their parents’ needs also. If this is done well, we mature into responsible adults. If the process is left incomplete, we are left with childish longing and unmet needs that drive our search for a partner who will love and cherish us like a parent.

If someone comes along who responds to this longing for love in us, we can get hooked on them in an almost obsessive way. We feel that they hold the key to our happiness and fulfillment. We mistake this feeling for ‘falling in love’ when really it is a longing to have our needs met.

Surrender to the self, in my mind, means that we fall in love with ourselves first. We look inside and realize that we are amazing and worthwhile human beings, and we practice giving ourselves the kind of love we long for. In other words, we fulfill our own needs and take responsibility for our own feelings.

Does this mean we have to isolate ourselves and never look for a loving partnership? Absolutely not. Once we have fallen in love with ourselves and surrendered to our own being, we bring that confidence and humility to our relationships. We can both be whole in ourselves and in a partnership at the same time.

We don’t have to give up our ability to grow up and be a mature adult with another person, we don’t have to surrender to anyone else. We come as our own sovereign being. We have done our work and are ready to share our exquisite selves with another being.

This, I believe, speaks to what it means to be in a mature love relationship. Surrender to yourself, so that you come with true humility and an open heart to another person.

What is the key to attaining this type of love relationship? First and foremost, it is about building a relationship with ourselves. We must learn to be open and honest, loving and compassionate, and hold ourselves accountable and responsible for our own emotions.

This process is enabled by having someone you can practice with, someone who can hold you to the truth with love. We heal often in the context of relationships, especially when allowed to be with someone else who takes responsibility for themselves and can guide the way.

I am honored to serve my clients in this way, to the best of my ability, at this time. I commit to a continuation of my own learning and growth, and I appreciate the trust and opportunity to work with those who choose to walk this path of self-love and surrender.

If you are interested to find out more about working with me as an intimacy guide, please look at my website www.pleasureforhealth.com and get in touch for a consult.

In pleasure,

Ailsa.

Originally posted on Pleasure for Health.