My name is “Sneha”, a name I’ve always admired. There have been so many questions in my mind since I was a child. But let me start from the very beginning, when my journey towards finding femininity began, in grade 6 or 7. I used to try my mom’s clothes, wear her jewellery and apply basic makeup, like lipstick, when no one was around. I’ve done it so many times when I was a kid (before grade 9) and luckily never got caught.
I excellent at sports like cricket, and at studies. My entire focus was on my career, rather than the determination of the gender I belonged to. I went to University and during the time when I was pursuing my bachelors’ degree, I didn’t feel realise that I was a woman inside. I would always find myself observing the clothes of other girls and admiring them, thinking that I might get to wear them one day. I found myself attracted to women’s clothing; especially ethnic wear like salwars, suits and sarees. I graduated in 2012 and in 2014, I moved on to do my post-graduation in Canada. At this point, I felt normal, and I was happy in my body.
In Canada, I found out about Halloween. I didn’t know much about it before, but I asked my friends, and they told me you could wear whatever you wanted on that day. I reached out to a very close friend and asked her if I could dress up as a lady, and she said yes! She was more excited than I was. She helped me get ready and for the first time in my life, I went out dressed as a lady. It was quite challenging and really overwhelming for me. But I enjoyed it and people thought that I was actually a lady. It made me realize that this was what I wanted from my life. So, we went ahead and clicked some pictures that day, and shared them with one of my female friends in Australia. It was my birthday in 3 days. On my birthday, she posted that beautiful photo on Facebook, which ended up getting many comments and likes, something I had never experienced in my life. That made me realize that I didn’t look too bad as a woman; and that the feeling was absolutely fantastic.
I started to think of feminine-sounding names and it made me feel elated on the inside, but I kept pretending that I didn’t like them. Then again, these feelings had to end as I went back to a normal life. Sometime in the near future, some of my girl friends started demanding I dress up as a lady again, to give them a chance to show off their makeup skills. On the inside, I wished that they did it, but I kept denying them, as I knew that people wouldn’t accept that.
After two years, in 2017, one of my friends approached me to try her dress on me, and this time I said “YES”, because I really wanted to have the same experience again. My only condition was that if I did, I wanted perfection!” She agreed to this. We both went to her house and she helped me to get ready. We truly rocked up that night. I went to a club as a woman with my friend and had dinner at a fancy restaurant. Everyone referred to me like a lady, which was absolutely amazing! No one, not even I, could figure that I was male on that particular day.
This made me feel so beautiful and accomplished. Now I finally realised I was a woman on the inside and was looking forward to seeing myself as a beautiful lady. People asked me so many questions about whether I liked boys or girls. I wasn’t interested in boys for sure. I love the company of women and I desired to be like them. In 2019, I went back home for a month and yet again, tried on my mom’s clothes. They fit me well and looked absolutely beautiful on me. I felt like they were made for me. It had been almost 10 to 12 years since the last time I did this and felt so comfortable. I realized that I should have been born female.
These feelings are increasing day by day, year by year and now it’s getting out of control because I can’t balance my work-life. My feelings: IF I HAVE TO LIVE MY OTHER HALF LIFE AS A LADY, I’LL HAPPILY ACCEPT IT. BUT I WANT TO BE THE BEST IN EVERY FORM.
“ACTUALLY, I’M A WOMAN ? AND I AM ACCEPTING IT"