Are you wondering just how to get over your ex? Perhaps you are feeling lots of pain, loneliness, and longing, a sense of emptiness that is hard to shake. Maybe you are obsessing about what happened, how you were hurt, or what you should have said or done to keep your partner or spouse with you.
You may even be attacking yourself, and feeling “I’m such a screw-up” or “I’m damaged and will never get over this divorce.” Or feeling depressed and hopeless, with thoughts like, “I’m not a good person, I don’t deserve love!” You may be harboring resentments, anger, or rage. And having thoughts like, “He should have stepped up!” “He is an a-hole to cheat on me—he doesn’t know what he had!”
But at times, underneath it all, you may still love your ex and long to have him or her back. No matter what he or she did, whether it is cheating, abuse, abandonment, or neglect. Which feels strange or illogical, but maybe true nevertheless.
No worries. All these responses are quite normal after a breakup or a divorce. We are wired to be strongly attached at a biological, emotional, and spiritual level to our partners. Especially when marriage is involved.
So, part of you may be holding on, while the rest of you knows that you need to move on and get over your ex. And you have a strong intuition that once you can let go of your ex you will be a whole lot happier. Which is very true!
Here are five tips to move on when you are needing and wanting to know how to get over your ex:
Take out your calendar and fill it up with activities (virtual or real!). Watching movies with friends , shopping, online or off-line, exercising (great for generating feel-good endorphins!), watching videos on Youtube on topics that used to be of interest to you (I know they do not seem that interesting right now!), doing yoga or meditation, or participating in other professional or social groups. You want to take your most precious asset—your attention– off of your ex.
The most healing place to put your attention is on spiritual or religious activities, prayers, or meditations. The spiritual salve is the most healing salve of all, which has been attested to for thousands of years. So take walks in nature, listen to spiritual or uplifting music, attend religious services if you are a member of a church or synagogue. Use a mindfulness practice or dust off your old mantra and use it for meditation. If you are a member of a 12-step group attend more 12-step meetings. Or use my guided meditation below. You will feel much, much better.
Work on yourself. Show yourself what your ex is missing! This will help you feel free of that old relationship. Give yourself a nickname that speaks to the best you, the you that you highly approve of. I call this your Diamond Self identity. You can use words like triumphant, phoenix, resilient, strong, undaunted or better-than-ever, in your nickname. You can also add words that speak to your new future. So, for example, your new nickname could be Triumphant Goddess of Light and Love, or Phoenix-Rising Angel of Beauty and Freedom.
You get the idea! It is very powerful to play with this. Once you get your Diamond Self identity, you can use it to help you feel even better about yourself! Get a makeover in line with your nickname. Write it down and keep it near your computer, on your mirror and in other places where you can see it every day.
Force yourself to get online or on an app and date. Even if you really don’t want to. Even if nobody measures up to your ex. Also ask your friends for support and help with this. They can set you up with a single friend or sit at the computer and help you look online. Once you get some nibbles from other guys, things will feel very differently in terms of your feelings for your ex.
When you work on coming alive through new interests, spiritual and personal growth and work on your Diamond Self identity you will create a whole new life for yourself that juices you up. Which means, while there are no guarantees, you are optimizing the chances that you can get your ex back and create a relationship with him that is better than ever.
For example, Susan, a lovely blue-eyed nurse, came into our coaching program after losing her boyfriend. After dating Josh, a doctor at her hospital for a year, he had suddenly announced that he wanted to date other women. Susan did all the work we have described in this article. She worked closely with her coach and created the Diamond Self name Irresistible Triumphant Angel of Love. Susan gave herself a makeover and dated several other guys.
A few months after the breakup, she was doing much better. So she decided to meet Josh for coffee. At that little date, he truly realized what he lost. He asked to get back together, but Susan, in her new empowerment, said she would have to be engaged to him in order to consider it. He said yes and the rest is history. Susan and Josh are now very happily married!
This kind of outcome doesn’t always happen, but it can.
Originally published on Love in 90 Days
Cover photo by Pexels