I haven’t done that before in this course. Something about it has captured me…
Vitality. In the past few years, I’ve had little of it. Whilst I have various hypotheses as to how that started, at this point, I think it’s a holding pattern and I want to stop holding it. As I listen to Pavini’s audio recording this week, I think about the image of my power coming back to me. Maybe that’s what here is called desire…
Okay, so sexually, I totally see this in myself. This suggestion sounds to me like restructuring erotic encounters so that I’m teaching myself like I would teach a kid I loved: slowly building up the confidence to do bigger things through small cycles of success and positive reinforcement. I’m not completely sure how to do this yet but it really hits home for me one day when I’m talking with my partner about our shared sexuality and I understand that I’ve made her scared to move towards me in our erotic zone because she doesn’t want to trigger my trauma.
That must be such a common dynamic, right? A dynamic that comes out of care and the desire not to harm each other. But also, a pretty stuck sort of dynamic. How do you get out of that?
There’s something comforting to me in setting the rules of a practice. It means I can change them, right?
Like if I can’t bear to do this hour-long practice because I have so so much resistance, how about I try it just for five minutes? Or how about I reimagine it until I find a way in, that I actually do want to do? So, what could a practice be for getting out of the above dynamic? There’s ones I can work on alone but also ones we could institute together.
I know that my partner wants to support me in my process and I’m super lucky because she’s creative and willing and really generous, so I know that I can propose any practice to her and she will be totally open to hearing about it and talking about how to shift it and make it work for her.
Dear sweet human that I want to have a flourishing and vibrant ongoing shared erotic space with,
Some time ago, when we were talking, I saw the fear in you that has been built up over repeated experiences—something that for me feels like “failed attempts.” Where somehow, we tried to find each other in a mutual erotic but it didn’t work and I felt like a failure, even when I consciously tried to reframe it as unfailable! I know that you would never call that failure. But I struggle to get out of it.
I think the work for me starts with figuring out how to perceive my nos and yeses [here is the post from the week where I learned about embodied nos and the week about embodied yeses] and in this way being able to get clear on what I want. Also giving myself space to lay around and think and feel and not keeping myself always busy.
I know that you also have fears and needs and wants. I know that you are trying so hard to support me. I see and appreciate your work. I know also that how to support me and how to get your wants and needs met is not always clear and doesn’t always feel like they go hand in hand. I acknowledge that and I just want you to know that I’m committed to this process with myself and I’m also committed to my process with you.
Sometimes our fears will be louder than our knowings. But I believe that we will find our mutual erotic freedom. And my commitment is working to connect with myself so that I can hear my authentic desire. And in hearing my authentic desire, then maybe I can share my desirous self with you. The hardest part for me is to let myself not be an expert in areas that scare me. Cause expert is my go-to protection stance. So I’m going to remember that I can keep returning to sharing my inexpert scared little self with you as a way in when I feel blocked.
I think it might be a slow process. This scares me because I don’t want you to leave me because I’m not erotically open enough with you! But I will remind myself that you’re not going anywhere and that those are feelings from my past experiences which doesn’t mean they are what’s going to happen now.
I commit to returning to this work and not stopping talking about it with you because we get scared. I commit to facing our blocks and fears and working on our erotic life together.
Thank you for being in my life. Even though I could totally work on my erotic without you or any partner, I feel really lucky that I have you as a fellow explorer and support.
Just because I name my desire,
Notice your attractions. Sit in public and watch for what you like. Or, if you can’t sit in public, maybe you can sign up for an online dating app, just to look around. You don’t have to act on anything, it’s just about noticing how you feel as you perceive others. Give yourself full permission to feel, and just notice what happens.
Your desires are all beautiful!
Originally posted on Wellcelium.org
Cover photo by Pixabay