How to feel sexy when you don’t feel like it

Feeling sexy is very complicated as a brown woman, not just because of the secretiveness that you need to do it with amidst your very involved family, but also because we are met with structural rejections that always make us feel that we are not sexy enough. And then we have our bad days, our messed up days, our cry-and-do-nothing days.

That is when I discovered the art of feeling sexy - it really is a state of mind that can not only elevate your mood, but enhance self-confidence, and help a lot to maintain a positive outlook mentally and emotionally. The social definitions of what “sexy” means have produced many insecurities, but I have very plain and simple hacks to overcome this and feel sexy - especially if you are a dark-skinned and fat woman like me!

Take a shower and click a photo

This one is my absolute favourite. Turn on the shower, play some nice music (like One Kiss by Dua Lipa), and just dance to it. Tap your legs to the beat - it makes these amazing sounds with the water. Then come out of the shower wet and the water still dripping, all your hair to one side, and I guarantee you, you will be amazed at how sexy and therapeutic it feels! I top it off by taking a very close-up picture of my face and especially my lips, and keep it or delete it depending on the mood!

Work out in nice lingerie!

Take 15 min from your day and please do this. You need to experiment with this and find the right exercise, though. I for example, suck at push-ups and things of that kind, but I pull off abs workouts really well. And I always do these in just a sports bra and a panty, and when I am done with the 15 min abs workout, I feel unbelievably sexy. Air-squats also make me feel super sexy, with my ass all out and flexing. You just need to figure out what move makes you feel sexy.

Meditate (Seriously!)

Meditation can be very sexy. It not only de-clutters your mind but really helps you feel a sense of love towards yourself - physically, emotionally and energetically. For me, being sexy just cannot happen if you do not have a relationship with yourself where you at least try to establish a positive image about yourself. I embrace and immerse myself in love through meditation (the one I practice is Twin Hearts Meditation by Grand Master Choa Kok Sui). It has really helped me in accepting and more importantly, appreciating my skin colour, my body type and all the scars and blemishes that I have.

Surround yourself with nice fragrances

This is something that I really got from my mother. She loves putting flowers, potpourri, and random, amazing scents all around the house. I also use bathing salts (I make myself one by mixing salt with coffee or rose petals), and the smell really heightens my feel sexy vibe!

Have role models

I feel that if there are platforms and people that have really helped me appreciate myself, they are Lizzo, The Artidote and many supportive friends, communities and partners. Gradually, they have helped me to feel my entire being as sexy. My activism (regarding causes that are close to my heart - anti discrimination, skin colour, veganism, feminism, etc) makes me feel sexy. The way I flick my hair makes me feel sexy. The kind of spectacles I wear, the cat eyed big ones make me feel sexy. If the media and society can make you hate your body and self, they can also surprisingly be amazing channels to love yourself. Follow holistic, sex-positive, body positive and inclusive channels that can help you in self-affirmation. I’m sure that you would love the feeling!

There are many women, men and non-binary folks out there who feel insecure and uncomfortable with their bodies, because of the culture and narratives that have surrounded us and made us feel shameful. Dark, but not too dark. Fat, but not too fat (they call it “curvy” or “voluptuous”.) Woman, but not woman enough. I have written about the experiences that really paved the way for my feel sexy journey, and I hope that you can carve out yours. Ask yourself about your needs, desires and wants. Ask yourself, what would make you feel best. You’ve got this!