Sex & Sex Education  Relationships  Sex, Media & Culture  Sexual Health 

Faster + Harder = Better?

Ailsa Keppie  |  Mar 18 2021

Faster + Harder = Better?

My partner and I recently discussed this topic. I realized the cultural bias is that sex is better when you are doing it faster and harder, but is this really the case? We sat down to talk about it and I thought I’d share.

The first interesting point that came to light, was that we did not even communicate with each other about this before engaging in intimacy. Usually, it is something that just ‘happens’ once we get going. But it turns out we may be making some crucially erroneous assumptions!

He assumed that I would be more turned on if we sped things up, and consequently, our speed would slowly increase as time progressed, EVEN IF we were enjoying the slower pace at the time. By the same token, I assumed that if he was speeding up, he was enjoying it and getting more excited, so I went along for the ride.

Apparently, these were just assumptions. And honestly, how often do we just assume we know what’s going on for our partner, and we don’t even ask?

So as we sat and reflected on this together, I was stunned at this simple yet important misunderstanding.

“So what speed do you like?” He asked me.

“I love it when we are going really slowly and I can feel you better.” I answered, “maybe a few bursts of speed, but not too much.”

“Me too!!” He exclaimed.

And that was the revelation. We finally sat down to talk about it, and lo and behold, we had both made wrong assumptions about speed, arousal levels, and true pleasure.

“So let’s enjoy the slow and leisurely pace next time,” I suggested.

“For sure!” He assented. “We can even slow down and change the pace up, as we go! Just keep me updated on what you are feeling.”

“Great!” I nodded, and my body tingled with excitement about our next erotic encounter. Such a simple thing, but a profound change in our minds and bodies.

So, my question to you is, have you ever asked your partner/s what speed they like? Maybe it varies depending on the day? Maybe the speed is something you want to ask about every time you make love, or even during the action? It’s definitely worth finding out!

Maybe you will uncover some hidden pleasure gems in your relationship/s by varying the speed and really feeling into what you and your partner’s bodies want at the moment. Don’t be shy! It can be just as sexy to say “Hey honey, can you slow down a bit so I can feel you more.” As it is to say “ faster and harder baby!”

So that’s it, my big aHa moment for this week. Speed is important, but don’t always assume faster is better.

These kinds of talks are something my partner and I do regularly, and communication is one of the most important pieces in having a successful relationship. If you are interested in learning and practicing tools for communication with both lovers, and other people in your life, contact me for a free consult on my website. www.pleasureforhealth.com

I look forward to talking with you!

In pleasure,

Ailsa

Originally posted on Pleasure For Health.


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