Opening up about your fantasies is hardly an easy task. It isn’t something we discuss in polite conversation, and finding that voice can be difficult and awkward even with an intimate partner. The fear of judgment or rejection continues in our relationships too, because really, how often have we expressed our most deviant desires out loud?
The things we fantasize about can sometimes border on a politically incorrect dimension, and we might find ourselves wanting to try out things in the bedroom that is completely at odds with whom we are in our day-to-day lives. A person who loves to be in charge at work and in other aspects of his life might find himself wanting to be submissive in the bedroom. The forbidden fruit is always the most tempting, and if you are struggling to reconcile your fantasies with self-perception, rest assured, you are normal. Your fantasies, carried out in a safe and consensual environment, is your business alone.
Fantasies play many roles- they allow us to explore, to find an outlet for release, to dabble in roleplays and transcend the boundaries of what is proper and “allowed”.
So how do you bring up your fantasies with your partner? The first option is obviously, to try and initiate a conversation where you both can share something you have not done before. If you feel uncomfortable, you might want to test the waters by starting with something simple and less intimidating. For example, introducing a toy in the bedroom or experimenting with a blindfold. Do not create a situation where your partner feels pressured, they might need their time to step out of their comfort zone.
Sexting is an excellent way to start this conversation since the screen can allow you to express more comfortably and also gauge your partner’s reaction. It’s a great way to go if you find yourself tongue-tied while trying to bring it up. A little more romantic? Try writing a letter. Nothing like a handwritten note that says “I want you to eat my ass”.
If saying it directly is too much, and you’d like to go a slightly more indirect way, might I recommend some mutual porn watching? You could “happen upon” something that indicates what you want to try, and use that as a conversation starter. You also have the advantage of gauging their reaction beforehand. And if porn watching is too much, my friend, try sharing some erotica. Literotica has a wonderful collection of just about everything you can imagine, tastefully written, very SFW, no explicit/embarrassing images for most part. Words have a way of riling up the imagination.
While finding the right mood, setting and method of expression is certainly important, it will ultimately require some nerve to just come right out with what you want. The fear of judgment will diminish when you come to accept that your fantasies are normal! It takes some time but there are many communities online, like one with us @ tickle.life, where you can connect and talk to people who share similar interests. Simply finding some people that you can have these conversations with or reading forums or blog posts or stories about sexual fantasies will help you get there. Once you’re there mentally, you will realize that you have nothing to lose by sharing with your partner, and a whole new dimension to explore. Go forth and play!
Subscribe to our weekly newsletter and stay updated on our best sexual well-being articles, podcasts, workshops, and more.