Conversations with F*ck Buddies: On Online Dating, Relationship, and More

I’ve been with my partner for about 6 months and things are going really well. We love each other a lot and we’re talking about moving in together. Recently, my partner came to me overjoyed because she’s pregnant (we, admittedly, could have done a better job using protection every time). I want to be happy the way she is, only I’ve had a vasectomy and she doesn’t know because it’s not something we’d talked about before now. I should’ve brought it up sooner, but I couldn’t find the right time. Now she’s pregnant and I’m kind of freaked out. I highly doubt this kid is mine, but I really love my partner and I’m scared of what this conversation means for our relationship. What do I say to her? How do I handle this?

• Niall: Oof. That’s a spicy one. Firstly, it’s possible to get someone pregnant after getting a vasectomy. It’s just HIGHLY rare. You know a conversation is needed (probably several) and while I understand the fear of what this might mean for your relationship, it just means you need to have it more than ever. After all, you won’t have much of a relationship with this hanging over you. I’d start by mentioning that you have the vasectomy and asking her, kindly, if there’s any chance it could be someone else’s. No point starting off accusatory, but it is important to pay attention to your partner’s reaction. If they’re reasonable, maybe a paternity test won’t be too big of an ask. Maybe an equally important question is… Do you want a baby with this person? Six months is soon to be moving in together, let alone spawning life together. Don’t just have the one talk. Work this out.
• Dain: There are two important questions you have to ask yourself; how do you feel about the potential infidelity of your partner and how do you feel about being a parent.  Six months is a very new relationship and your exclusivity may have been a bit more fluid towards the beginning of your time together, so depending on how far along your partner is in their pregnancy it could be very justified that it is someone else’s.  Now, and more importantly, in my opinion, you need to decide if you’re ready to have a child with someone you haven’t been with too long.  As Niall mentioned, you need to have several conversations with your partner about whether or not the child is yours, what your responsibilities are if it isn’t and how both of you would like to move forward with the pregnancy.  If it’s not your child, I don’t think anyone could truly fault you for not wanting to stick around to raise it, especially if you’re not ready or willing to be a father yet.  Raising a child that you may secretly or already begin to resent is far more dangerous than taking a step back from a situation you don’t want to be in.

So, my girlfriend is super into a kink that is a huge turn-off to me. What do I do? We’ve been dating for a little over a year and the sex is HOT. We like to try new things and we’re both pretty adventurous. We do a lot of role-playing and kinky stuff together and most of it is amazing, but there’s this one kink that she loves the most and it just turns me way off. She loves it when I call her Mommy while we’re having sex. Like, LOVES it. And I really love how much it turns her on, you can really see she’s super into it. And it’s not that I’m unwilling to do it or that I think there’s anything wrong with her for liking it, I just don’t like it at all. Like, it’s a total turn-off for me, in fact, it skeeves me out a bit. It’s a literal boner killer. Is there a way I can be less creeped out so I can get into this for her? I know it would really mean a lot to her, but I can’t seem to get past it.

• Dain: It can’t be said enough, so I’ll say it again: you are not obliged to participate in your partner’s kink.  As sexual partners, it’s always fun and exciting when you can work with your partner to fulfil fantasies, but if something doesn’t work for you or makes you uncomfortable, you need to express that to your partner immediately.  The longer you pretend like it’s okay, the harder the conversation is going to be as you near your tipping point.  And not just for you, but no partner wants to hear that you’ve been struggling through sexual encounters on their behalf.  Take this time to address the issue (outside of the bedroom) and perhaps ask if there is an alternative route you can go to help achieve her kink without using this specific word.
• Niall: As Dain said, you have to nip this in the bud sooner rather than later. Don’t ever feel obliged to participate in something you don’t enjoy; it’s not fair on either of you. Now, one alternative to explore is whether substituting the word with something that icks you out less might work. We dealt with this before, when someone had a kink about being called ‘Daddy’. Other words might achieve the same effect but if it doesn’t, don’t feel obligated to continue engaging in this kink. It may be a deal breaking for your partner but better that than years of suffering and growing resentment.

I’m a 24-year-old, bisexual woman and I feel like I’ve been single forever. I got herpes in my last relationship and now I’m scared to put myself back out there. I don’t know how to talk about it with new partners or when to share the information with them, and I’m scared nobody will ever want to date me again. I’d love to meet someone new. I’m tired of being single and alone, but I feel totally embarrassed by my STI status and I have no idea what to do.

• Niall: Hey, look, we get it. That’s a tough position for you to be in, and I think anyone who gets an STI goes through the same feelings. Herpes is a particular problem, because of its longevity, but countless people across the world manage to live fulfilling sex lives and you can too! We’ve dealt with this problem on the podcast before so, first things first, look into ‘Positive Singles’, a dating site specifically made for people dealing with Herpes. No need to be shy or awkward when everyone’s in the same boat. On top of this, there are various communities and resources for people dealing with Herpes online. Find one and you’ll find better help and a community that not only knows what you’re going through, but can help guide you through their experience! Good luck.
• Dain: According to the WHO, 3.7 billion people under the age of 50 have herpes. You are absolutely not alone, but your feelings of isolation are totally understandable.  However, the two people I know personally that have herpes are both in loving, healthy marriages.  It’s easy to spiral into insecurity and dread when it comes to STIs and other healthy issues, so talking to a professional mental health expert may be an excellent idea in order to help you process the grief and fear that come along with a positive diagnosis.  Also take some time to talk to a medical professional to discuss the reality of living with herpes.  There is a lot of stigma surrounding STIs and often, people don’t have the whole picture with just how manageable and treatable even the long-lasting ones are.

My partner and I have been living together for a while and we make a lot of comments to each other about getting married. We’re both over-the-top, competitive guys and we spend a lot of time trying to outdo each other with romantic gestures, big gifts, pranks, surprises, you name it. With the holiday season approaching, I really want to plan a major event to propose to him, but I’m also kind of worried that he might be doing the same thing for me and, for once, I don’t really want to steal his thunder. I also don’t want to ruin the potential surprise by asking him outright if he’s planning something or by telling him I want to plan something. And if I don’t do anything at all, I run the risk of disappointing him, because what if he’s expecting something from me? Snooping through his stuff to find a ring or flash mob choreography feels like a bad idea, but I’m running out of options here. How can I figure out what he’s got planned, if anything, so I can make my grand gesture?

• Dain: This is the sweetest thing ever and I’m absolutely here for it.  I’ll be straight up honest with you: do your thing.  If this is who you are as a couple, then I don’t know why you’d want to stop as things get even more serious.  It’s incredibly thoughtful of you to bow to your partner on this occasion, and you still can, but I think if you’ve got a badass proposal idea in the chamber, don’t waste it.  Give hints about how you want to plan an extravagant holiday party and how excited you are for it and open the door for them to make their move and that way if they do choose to propose, you can allow them first dibs, but also pop off your surprise directly after them.  Or, if they absolutely nail it, you can just let it ride so as to not spoil the moment.  Have fun with it and trust the strength and nature of your relationship, you’ll know what to do in the moment!
• Niall: I knew Dain was going to say it, and I’m glad he did. Don’t stop here. Never surrender. Escalate this romantic prank war to the ends of the earth and please message us and let us know every time you do. I don’t think you should fear proposing at the same time as him; for one, it’s the most adorable thing I could think of and, secondly, it seems like it would suit you guys as a couple! Plan your own thing and if he has something, you guys have a story for the rest of your lives. If he doesn’t, you get to give the proposal of your dreams. Seize the day. I love this a lot.

"Niall and Dain are sexperts that focus on fun, sex positive advice in an effort to assist in navigating through any and all modern sex and dating quandaries.  Catch more advice on their weekly show, Fuck Buddies, available on all streaming platforms.  Visit www.fbuddiespodcast.com to listen!"

Photo from Unsplash