Baby, Baby, where did our Sex go?

Author :- Wellcelium Feb. 11, 2021, 9:31 a.m.
Baby, Baby, where did our Sex go?

If you’ve experienced any blocks in your sexuality during the past year, you’re not the only one.

Are you curious about how to get your sexy back? If you are partnered, has sex been hard in your relationship?

A staggering 20% of all marriages fall into the ‘sexless’ category, even without a pandemic. Which, of course, begs the question “Why?” Often people say “I’m just not attracted to my partner anymore,” but I don’t really buy it. Something is going on that has created this change, right? There are underlying issues that can be addressed. Sexual conflict resolution is possible!

This post examines reasons a couple might stop being as sexual as they once were, or stop being sexual together at all. It’s not an exhaustive list, but a good starting point if things aren’t as hot in your sex life as they once were, and you’d like that to be different.

The good news is that the status quo of a relationship can shift if both partners choose. Determining the causes of the break-down in sexual relations is the first step to determining how to rebuild sexual fulfillment within a relationship.

Level 1: Physical Causes

  • Stress
  • Exhaustion/sleep deprivation
  • Physical malfunction, illness, or injury
  • Adultery
  • Painful sex
  • Pornography addiction
  • Substance addiction
  • Depression
  • SSRI’s

Level 2: Emotional Causes

  • Adultery
  • Lack of intimacy skills
  • Lack of sexual communication skills
  • Power struggles
  • Desire Policing
  • Rejection stories
  • Fear of breaking the connection if things are discussed
  • Lack of connection
  • Shaming
  • Boredom
  • Lack of exploratory space/attitude
  • Unaddressed trauma or abuse
  • Boundary violations between partners/lack of trust

Level 3: Erotic Themes and Values

(For more great information on Erotic Themes, check out Jack Morin’s The Erotic Mind)

  • Partners have different doors to access erotic energy (trance, partner engagement, role play)
  • Partners do not share the same morality/values around sexuality
  • Partners desire different frequency of sexual encounters

What might have started as a strategy to address a certain issue may have evolved into a habit.

I believe that good, connected sex is strong glue that can help hold relationships together through the hard times. If a couple isn’t having sex, and they are both truly okay with that, great. But often that’s not the case for one or both partners.

Here’s where seeking guidance from a somatic sex coach can be beneficial. The difference between a sex therapist and a sex coach is that sex therapists offer talk therapy, and couples explore at home. A sex coach offers somatic, body-based work that includes talking. Working with a sex coach, couples practice with guidance the needed intimacy and communication skills.

A therapist might look at root issues, whereas a coach deals with what’s happening in the present as well. We make such a big deal about sex, and people are often so triggered and reactive to the topic. But really, if you had a toothache, you’d go to the dentist, right?


Suggested Practice

Expressive Writing from Greater Good In Action

Over the next four days, write down your deepest emotions and thoughts about an emotional challenge that has been affecting your life. In your writing, really let go and explore the event and how it has affected you. You might tie this experience to your childhood, your relationship with your parents, people you have loved or love now, or even your career. Write continuously for 20 minutes.

Tips for writing:

  • Find a time and place where you won’t be disturbed.
  • Write continuously for at least 20 minutes.
  • Don’t worry about spelling or grammar.
  • Write only for yourself.
  • Write about something extremely personal and important to you.
  • Deal only with events or situations you can handle now—that is, don’t write about trauma too soon after it has happened if it feels too overwhelming.
  • Optional final step: After the four days of writing, try writing from the perspectives of other people involved in the event or situation.

Originally posted on Wellcelium.org