"Why do you talk about sex so much?"
I am often asked that, and I understand why a lot of people would wonder about it. Sex is, after all, a taboo subject, so why would you want to potentially alienate people by talking about it?
But for me the question has always been ‘Why doesn’t everyone talk about it?’.
From a young age I was curious about sex. When I was first told how children were made from one of the neighborhood kids, I had lots of questions, and I was disappointed that the girl who told me couldn’t answer them. When I gained access to the school library I found books about bodies and sex, and even though I wasn’t planning on having sex for many years, I appreciated knowing more about what people only spoke of in hushed tones or innuendos. I think being curious about sex and how bodies work is very natural, but many of us are told that we should not ask about it at a young age, and never really feel that it’s ok to talk about after that.
In my teens I loved talking about sex with my friends. They would sometimes shout at me to shut up in public, but in private I bought sex toys for some of them and gleefully doled out sex advice to those who dared ask for it. Today I find it a bit funny to remember doing that before having made my own sexual debut, but facts and reading is really helpful when trying to figure out one's sexuality.
There are so many myths surrounding sex, and if we talked more openly about sex we could get rid of them. So many were worried about their bodies not being normal, if they were ‘doing it right’, or wanted to know how to have an orgasm.
I think we all would have a better quality of life if we had a proper sexual education where we learned about diversity in bodies, genders and sexual orientations. A lot of people grow up worrying about being normal. That might always be the case, but I’m sure that we could lighten the load a little bit. It’s also crucial to know that it’s really not important to be “normal”. We have a tendency to think that what the majority does (what is considered normal) is better than what the minority is doing.
This is simply not true, and we should stop creating a false dichotomy between different groups where we attach positive values to normal, and negative to what is considered deviations from the norm. The only thing that matters is that the sex you are having is consensual, and that you live your life in a way that gives you as much pleasure and happiness as possible.
Because I have been interested in human sexuality for so long, I have acquired quite a bit of knowledge about it. I have read many books and articles, and have attended lectures. Since 2011 I have been giving talks about gender and sexuality myself. I really love sharing my knowledge both, in academic, and other settings. I mostly talk about BDSM, fetishism, polyamory, taboos and sexuality, diversity in genders and sexuality, and group sex, but I’m always looking for opportunities to teach other topics as well.
It’s great to see other people getting the same 'A-Ha!' moments that I did when, for example, learning that the clitoris has twice as many nerve endings as the penis.
When I first heard of sexology, I immediately thought that it sounded like the perfect profession for me. Unfortunately I thought you had to become a doctor or psychologist to pursue a career in sexology, so I just continued on with my career as a Shop manager, and didn’t really give it much more thought for many years. When I decided to go to school again in 2013, I went to see a career advisor. She asked me what my dream job would be, and I immediately answered ‘Sexologist!’. She investigated and discovered that you only need a relevant bachelor degree to apply for sexology programs, and for the last years I have completed the necessary formalities to qualify. I will be studying to be a Sex Therapist from April 2020, and I can't wait to get started.
Not only do I look forward to talking even more about sex than I already do, but I want my future audiences and clients to know that I am qualified to do so, and that the information I share is correct.
Talking about sex has taught me a lot about myself and my own preferences. You have to talk about sex to be able to tell your partner(s) what you like, and to communicate boundaries. Talking about sex has also given me a much larger perspective on all of the preferences and practices that are out there. It’s easy to judge others if you don’t know that people are differently wired, and that something you might find disgusting could be a huge turn-on for someone else.
Learning about what others like - and why they like it - has made me much less judgemental, but it has given me a better understanding of my own sexuality as well.
I sincerely think that my talking and writing about sex will make life easier for someone. Hopefully someone will hear me and feel seen, learn something new or lose a prejudice. That makes all of the hard work worth it. And it certainly helps that I’m having so much fun in the process!