Sex has a different meaning for every individual. I had always imagined sex to be a divine experience that I wanted to share with my soul mate. The day came when I got engaged to the man, whom I gradually began to consider, the man of my dreams. We used to chat for long hours over the phone through the night as we had a long-distance relationship before the marriage. Growing up in a traditional family, you are expected to wait until your marriage to engage in any sexual activities. And I was okay with that. We started our initial conversation by asking about our day and other irrelevant things to important ones like regarding family, friends, our plans and finally about sex and children. I still fondly remember those conversations during the night about how we wanted our sex life to be.
Then came the wedding night and I had butterflies in my stomach. As the hour approached, I felt more jittery and unstable. I was feeling so shy and embarrassed. He was the one to break the ice by starting a conversation with something about the day being hectic and then he casually ran his fingers on my arms and I felt ripples of exciting waves radiating from every part of my body. That night just passed in talking and finally hitting the sack. But I still remember the combination of excitement, fear and pleasure I felt every time our bodies just brushed against each other. Those were the days I still recall fondly.
It was during the honeymoon that we attempted having sex for the first time. I was a virgin with only theoretical knowledge of sex. Though I enjoyed the physical connection with the man of my dreams, it did not end up well for us. I was a bit nervous and sex turned out to be quite painful which turned me off. We tried to practice sex repeatedly until we gained some semblance of perfection.
Once the honeymoon period got over, the truth and reality of marriage dawned on both of us. The pressure of domesticity and our responsibilities towards our families enormously weighed us down. We started fighting for no reasons at all. We were having issues with our sex life as well as our life.
Sex at that time, at least for me, was an acknowledgement of the relationship we shared between us despite what was happening around and in our lives. To some extent, it was even lust for me. But I believe it was different for men than it is for men. My husband would extend his anger and disappointment to the physical aspect of our relationship too.
It was quite upsetting and extremely humiliating. We had an argument on one night which was the last straw for me and I thought that I would not talk to him again. But I actually used to go begging to him to accept me both physically as well as emotionally. Why you may ask? But I don’t have the answer. Neither did I have it then nor do I have it now. I simply wanted to be accepted by him.
I had a trustworthy network of family and friends with whom I would share my innermost feelings and seek solace. Trust me it did wonders for my emotional well being and helped me limp through all the stress and sadness. To the world, I had to live with a pretence that I am having a happily married life.
I became pregnant and it changed our lives and brought some amendments in both of our lives. His behaviour changed completely to me. He started being more caring towards me and was more affectionate. I would thoroughly enjoy the brush of his ear on my belly. He is a big music buff with earphones stuck in at all times. He would place it on my belly to make his baby enjoy the music of his choice.
On the sex front, nausea, growing belly and fatigue hardly left me with any desire whatsoever. Though my Google research and other trustworthy sources told me that sex during pregnancy was perfectly safe and in fact more enjoyable, but for me, cuddling up in his arms and going to sleep felt like the best thing under the sun. I didn’t want to miss out on any experience worth trying. So on slightly better days, on my insistence, we did try and make out. I must say, the experts were not wrong. Considering my state, we had to make certain amends to our preferred sexual positions. But the emotional connection was more important to me than sex.
I realized just how much a little human can throw your life out of gear; sleepless nights, feeding sessions, the incessant cries without any distinction between day and night were too much for me to handle. My husband was equally clueless and was of little help.
The first two or three months’ schedule of my day would be like: feed, clean, burp, clean, pee, clean, poop, clean and this was the normal schedule. Sex was the last thing on our minds. My breasts would hurt from constant breastfeeding and I was scared about hurting myself in the process of having sex.
But my point here is that, though the baby’s arrival throws your sex life out of gear, it actually brings the partners closer as a couple emotionally. I can’t speak for my husband, but for me, seeing him care, love and play with his baby made me fall for him all over again. Sex, for me, has moved on from being a lustful physical activity to a more matured emotional bonding between our souls. And when I turn back to the beginning of my sex life, I can confidently say that I am in love with every phase of it. In fact, every moment has helped shape it the way it is today. I wouldn’t want it any other way.