How was your first sexual experience? Was it painful? Was it bad? What if your first experience would have given you a life-time worth of guilt? Read this article to find out what happens
Anna was the object of lust of every man and the source of hatred for most of the women, at least in the small town that I grew up in. She was a striking piece of art from head to toe, with long, flaming red hair. She always wore flowing kaftans in the softest silk or voile that would not hide her luscious body underneath. She owned an art gallery. As 16-year-old small-town girls, we absolutely idolized her. She smoked 'Gauloises' cigarettes, which she freely shared with us when we visited her gallery after school. She had a daughter that we had befriended, just so that we could meet Anna more often.
She once invited us to her daughter’s birthday party. We could not tell our parents about it as they would not allow us to go to a party at Anna’s house. So we schemed, lied and somehow managed to attend the party. I clad myself in a dark green velvet sleeveless shift dress, with high slits on the sides. I had let loose my shiny long hair and my skin was glowing with the bloom of my youth. At the party, there were people from all walks of life. They were drinking, smoking, talking, dancing, kissing, touching and doing everything that was unseen in my world. Beautiful women were dancing with handsome men, laughing, flirting and having a wonderful time.
I was leaning against the door frame, sipping my ginger square and smoking a cigarette. I was aimlessly looking at the people around me when I saw him across the room. He was tall, with long dark curly hair, jet black eyes and plump, sensuous lips. Our eyes met and we were transfixed by each other. I felt a pulse in my pubic region. I could hardly breathe, and my heart was beating loud enough to drown the music. I wanted to reach down and touch my pulsing need, but I was paralyzed, like a deer caught in the headlights. He slowly made his way towards me, navigating the maze of dancing people without taking his eyes off of mine.
He lifted his lips from mine and looked into my eyes, which felt like a lifetime.
I thought I was going to faint with fear and desire. Once he reached, he bent down and kissed me parting my lips with his hot, moist tongue starting a fire in my groin that threatened to engulf all of me. It felt out of the world and I started losing myself in the moment, groaning and moaning along the way. He lifted his lips from mine and looked into my eyes, which felt like a lifetime. Suddenly, he lifted me in his arms and carried me to a bedroom. He kicked the door shut behind him before putting me down gently on a large bed that had a smooth silk cover.
He turned me on my side and lay next to me fully clothed, pressing his body against mine from the forehead to the toes. While he breathed into my mouth I could smell red wine and cigarettes. One of his hands was tangled in my hair forcing my head so as to push my mouth into his while the other hand slid down my back slowly resting on my buttocks. He pressed me against his erection and held me like that for what seemed like forever. I felt as though I was melting into my vulva or turning into a vagina screaming with desire.
He did not touch me anywhere, just held me against his body. I could feel an orgasm burst out of my being like a tsunami wave crashing loudly into my ears. He gripped me tightly and started kissing me. I could feel the desire for my rise in him which made me want him with even more fervour. He stepped off the bed and lifted me to my feet. With a single fluid movement, he pulled my dress over my head and I stood bare in front of him. My nipples were hard and aching. He groaned, "Jesus! God! You are exquisite!” as he sucked at my breast. Moving his hot, wet tongue down my flat belly, he found my swollen labia and sucked at them with small gentle movements of his lips. His tongue darted in and out of my vagina that made me orgasm into his mouth. I felt as if I was floating outside my body.
He laid me back on the bed and ripped his clothes off. He spread my legs wide and knelt between them. He entered me with such infuriating slowness that I ground my pelvis into him to take him into me as far as I could manage. I started shaking as the intensity of another orgasm engulfed me. He pounded himself into me looking down at his glistening penis as it went in and out of my vagina. He lifted my head so that I could see what he saw. He grabbed my hair and pushed his mouth into mine, his teeth grinding into mine as he rode his own orgasm. He laid his face on my breasts, trying to catch his breath and giving me gentle kisses on my wet skin. As he rolled off me, he kissed me on the mouth and held me close until I fell asleep. I don’t think I slept for long.
When I opened my eyes, he was lying on his side looking at me with a tender smile that was enough to get me smitten. He got up, went to the bathroom and came back with a wet warm facecloth. He opened my legs and wiped his semen off me. In one swift motion, he left me feeling robbed. He gently kissed my mouth, pulled me off the bed and dressed me up. I stood there watching him put on his clothes.
I could not help but notice how incredibly beautiful his muscled stomach was with a thin strip of shiny black hair running down to the lush bush above his now flaccid penis. His thigh looked desirable with its sexy curve as he pushed it into his denim jeans. His long fingers were buttoning up his white linen shirt that was slightly crumpled from being discarded on the floor in the throes of passion. All of it was a daze as if I was walking on air.
As we walked out of the room, he turned to me and kissed me softly on top of my head. His parting words as he walked away from me were, "Stay gorgeous."
As we walked out of the room, he turned to me and kissed me softly on top of my head. His parting words as he walked away from me were, “Stay gorgeous “. I felt as if all the air had been sucked out of my lungs, as if the blood had frozen in my veins and as if I were about to crumble into a million little pieces that will be blown away by the wind. I looked at him as he made his way across the room to where Anna was standing. He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her on the mouth. She looked up at him with adoration and turned to stand in the curve of his arm. She looked across at me with a small, sad smile and I could clearly see the hurt in her eyes. In that moment, I knew he was hers. She seemed to know what had just happened right on her bed. Yet she seemed to love and forgive him.
I cried for having had the most intense, incredible and beautiful sexual experience of my young life tarnished by a narcissist in a gorgeous body.
I was overcome with guilt, shame and anger, all at once. I ran out of the room, into the far corner of the garden and fell on the lawn sobbing. I pitied myself for having lost my innocent trust forever. I knew I would never be able to follow my desires so blindly ever again. Certainly not without being reminded of the incident of this night. I cried for having had the most intense, incredible and beautiful sexual experience of my young life tarnished by a narcissist in a gorgeous body. I cried for the hurt I had caused to Anna. Though unbeknownst to me, it made me feel cruel and thoughtless. I couldn’t help but pity myself for wanting more of this man even after knowing the truth threadbare.
I could still feel his lips, hands and his hard penis on my skin and all over and even inside my body. I don’t know how long I was out there on my own in the garden. But I woke up when the sun was just rising. Anna was standing next to me, holding out a warm crotched shawl for me to wrap around myself. She held out her hand and pulled me up. She walked me into the house through the living room amongst sleeping bodies lying all around. She sat me on a chair in her warm kitchen and poured me a cup of steaming hot coffee. She handed me a cigarette too. We did not talk about him or about what had happened, neither that morning nor any time later. But I know both of us carried the deeply ingrained wound with us for the rest of our lives.
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