It seems like everyone is talking about consent these days. But when it comes time to have the conversation, we still get stuck.
The #metoo movement shows that fucking up consent happens a lot more than we realise, and that it has nasty repercussions for both the victim and the perpetrator. #metoo also has a lot of folks running scared, because they’re afraid they’re going to be called monsters for not knowing how to do consent properly.
That’s not my beef. I’m not going to shame you by saying you’re a bad person if you don’t do consent the same way I do. I understand that most of the world doesn’t understand why it’s important, and most people don’t really know how to do consent during their sexual encounters.
Lots of folks assume that consent is something you ask for once, before you forge ahead bravely like a Spartan soldier. Others reckon it’s a buzz-kill – they’re afraid of being that loser who says, ‘may I kiss you?’ Or it goes the other way – we assume it’s the other person’s job to do the consent stuff, and not ours.
Here’s what I think: consent is something we’re all entitled to – it’s good to know your human rights. And also, consent is an amazing tool for having better sex.
To understand consent, you need to understand boundaries.
There are certain things that we have the right to control in our lives. This includes our bodies, our immediate space, our thoughts and our feelings. All this – what I call ‘your stuff’ – falls within your personal boundaries. Nobody has a right to control your stuff. nobody has a right to tell you what to do with your body, what to eat or where to go. Nobody has a right to tell you what opinions to have.
Society is fucked up around boundaries. Society (in the form of our parents, teachers, friends or boss) often tries to make us do things we don’t want to do with our stuff, such as being forced to kiss our relatives on the cheek when we’re kids, being pressured to drink with our mates when we’re trying to quit or being told to ‘man up’ when we’re sad. This is one of the reasons we suck at consent – we’re so used to other people invading our boundaries, that we barely notice when we invade the boundaries of others.
When our stuff isn’t under our control, we get messed up. Being good at consent means being aware of your own stuff, and other people’s stuff, and respecting everyone’s right to be themselves.
Consent doesn’t just stop sexual assault. Consent is a tool that makes sex way, way better. When you understand how to use this effectively, your bedroom abilities will go through the roof.
First things first – what happens when one person’s boundaries gets smooshed up against someone else’s, in the context of a sexual encounter? When you’re hooking up with someone, the overlap between your stuff and their stuff needs to be negotiated.
If you kiss someone, they need to want to kiss you too. If they decide to get all kinky on your ass, you both need to be sure it’s something you’re into. Not just physical stuff, either. If you want to ‘Netflix & chill’ and you put a horror movie on, you both need to be ok with seeing zombies. As I said before, we’re not good at just being honest. Usually we try to guess what other people think, and then if someone complains afterwards, we shrug and say ‘sorry, I thought you liked zombies.’ But that doesn’t cut it when it comes to sex. Because good sex means that everyone is having a great time. To know that it’s good, you have to actually ask while it’s happening.
A lot of folks think that doing consent means asking ‘is this okay?’ every thirty seconds. That’s not how a sexpert does it. I hate ‘Is this okay?’ in the middle of fucking. Not because my partner is a loser for asking – I appreciate the concern. But it’s super unhelpful, for two reasons:
I don’t want the sex you have to be ‘okay’. I want it to be amazing. I want you both to love it. If you’re having sex with someone and they say ‘Look, this is okay, but honestly I’m sort of bored and I’d rather just watch television’ then of course you’re going to stop – what’s sexy about that? If you’re not getting off on your partner’s enjoyment, then you may as well just stay home and have sex with yourself. This is ‘enthusiastic consent’: not just ‘yes’ but ‘Oh, God, yes, don’t stop, you feel amazing!’
Not awkwardly, but sexily. It’s not about saying ‘can I x your x?’ every bloody minute. It’s about demonstrating your intentions by moving slowly (moving in to kiss them gradually so that they have a chance to say no, for example). It’s also done by asking but asking in a sexy way.
Player One: ‘I’d love to put my arms around you right now.’
Player Two: ‘I want that too.’
You might be able to ask for directions, if your partner is good at communicating. Try:
Player One: ‘How do you like to be touched?’
Player Two: ‘I’d love you to pull my hair.’ Player One: ‘I’m up for that…’
Note that just asking isn’t enough. Ask…pause…and listen for an ‘enthusiastic yes’. Anything less than clear ‘Yes!’ is a ‘no’.
This is where the real magic happens. Instead ’just doing the sex’ and hoping your partner likes it… slow down, look them in the eye and ask, ‘How does that feel?’ This line is especially useful for complicated stuff such as giving head or making someone cum. Rather than having to guess, you can listen to their feedback and adjust your technique until you get it exactly right.
Player One: ‘How does this feel?’
Player Two: ‘It feels good. Although… maybe a bit faster?’
Player One: ‘Like this?’
Player Two: ‘OH MY GOD YES.’
Talking about what you’ve both just done allows you to enjoy the afterglow. It also addresses all those little post-sex insecurities: do they still like you? Did you do okay?
Player One: ‘How was that for you?’ Player Two: ‘Great, except for that bit where I head-butted you when I came. Sorry about that.’
Player One: ‘It’s fine. I had fun too.’
Communicating during sex almost feels like cheating. You have a direct line to someone’s needs and desires. No more guessing, only asking. More connection, more orgasms, less angst. What’s not to love?
If you’re like me, nobody taught you how to do consent when you started having sex. All we usually have is trial and error … it’s inevitable that we fuck up from time to time.
Ways we fuck up consent:
If you’ve fucked up you may realise immediately, or you might be confronted afterwards by someone who is (rightly) pissed off at you. It feels bad when we find out we’ve hurt someone else, whether it was intentional or not. What do you do, if you find yourself in this situation?
Taking responsibility doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll be ‘forgiven’. Even if your partner does forgive you, you don’t get to pretend the incident never happened. Taking responsibility means living with the consequences of your actions: that might mean losing a friend, feeling bad for a while, or facing criminal charges. Whatever happens, square up to it and treat it as a learning experience.
People make out that consent is this big, complicated thing that will make sex awkward. We feel as though we’re bad people if we try to do consent and get it wrong. All this stuff makes it difficult to change our habits. But it’s worth it I promise. Consent doesn’t need to be complicated. Ask before you do stuff, check in while you’re doing stuff, debrief afterwards … these three steps will put you ahead of the competition.
Life’s too short to have mediocre sex. Get this stuff right, and you’ll be able to have incredible experiences.
Originally posted: https://www.artofthehookup.com/a-no-bullsht-guide-to-sexual-consent/
Photo by Paweł Czerwiński on Unsplash